Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Q&A: Facts from a Doctor
Most Embarrassing Moments
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now",
she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter."
Amy Richardson-- Stafford,Virginia
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"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't
want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got
to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole
crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'. My entire family - aunts, uncles,
Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My
girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for
what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again."
Tim Cahill--Poughkeepsie, New York
Anatomy Class
Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people."
How Indians are Named
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Hot Day in Texas
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.
"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Bowels not Move
Once there was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighboring town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as a doctor's office.
The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says, "Bowels not move". So the doctor gives him a pill. The messenger takes the pill back to the chief.
The next day, the messenger is back, and says , "Bowels still not move". So the doctor gives him a stronger pill.
The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back "Bowels STILL no move" So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.
The next day, the messenger comes back, and says "Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of shit"
Everything's Big
There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.
That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.
After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.
"Yes ma'am" said the cowboy, " I mean everything."
After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked, "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"
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