Engine Failure

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Proof Before Selling

A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocery store to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the food for a real cat."

The little old lady doesn't like it, but she goes home and brings her cat back to the store. They sell her the cat food.

The next day she goes in to buy 3 cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She angrily goes home to get her dog. When she brings him back, she gets her dog food.

The next day she comes into the store carrying a box with a hole in the lid. When she asks the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier refuses. "No, you might have a snake in there!"

The old lady insists, telling her that there's nothing alive in the box.

So the cashier puts her finger in the box and feels something odd. She pulls her finger out and says, "Eww, that smells like shit!"

The little old lady says, "It is. Now can I buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

Drinking Buddies

A guy calls his old, recently married drinking buddy and asks him to get a beer after work. The newlywed protested at first, then agreed to have one beer. Several hours later, both guys are drunk, and the newlywed pukes all over himself and his shirt. He immediately begins to worry that his wife is going to kill him and never let him out of the house again. His buddy tells him, "Don't worry. Here's $40. Take a cab home with one $20, and tell your wife the some drunk guy gave you the other $20 after he puked on you, to pay for your dry-cleaning".

The newlywed decides its a good idea, and leaves the bar.

The newlywed decides to that he's okay to drive, closes one eye, and weaves his way home. His wife is angrily waiting at the door, sees his shirt and goes ballistic.

The guy gives his well rehearsed line, "Some guy puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for my dry-cleaning. Check for yourself in my front pocket."

The wife reaches into his front pocket and pulls out the $40.

She asks, "Then what is this other $20 for?"

The guy replies, "He shit in my pants, too".

Elephant's Mating Season

A guy applies for a job at the zoo. The head keeper of the zoo said, "Your job will be to clean out the elephant cage. But, I have to warn you it's mating season and they will jump on just about anything." "Don't worry," the guy replied, "I've worked with elephants before."

Half way through his first day he goes running in to the head keeper's office screaming, "I quit, one of those elephants cornered me and now my asshole is the size of a basketball."

"That can't be true," replied the head keeper, "if you worked with elephants before you know their penises are about as round as a grapefruit."

"I know, I know," the guy screams, "but, he fingered me first!"

Coma Patient

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lines... no pulse... no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

A Confession

A man is driving down the road and sees a nun hitchhiking in the rain. He pulls his car over and offers the nun a ride.

The nun appears very grateful and says, "Thank you for giving me a ride, I wish there was some way to repay you for your kindness."

The man, feeling a bit amorous, tells her,"Well actually, I'm kind of a lonely guy, and, well, you could repay me with a little bit of sex."

The nun then answers, "Well you were very kind to offer me a ride, but I must retain my vow of celibacy, so would you mind if I performed oral sex instead?"

The man agrees and upon completion of the deed he tells the nun, "I have a confession to make, I am a married man and I have just committed adultery."

The nun replies, "That's OK, I have a confession to make, too.My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."

What is Politics

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management.

Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he have soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can hear him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own word son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!!!!!

Bed Wetting Problem

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked, but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror.

The young woman was even more shocked, but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs. When she did, he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts.

After a few moments and some very positive "yes, yes" type noises, the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," he replied, "my wife is right. A beard would suit me"

Been Married 12 Times

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - "Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... well... God I miss him!"

She finally smiled and turned to him. "So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer! I just know I'm going to get screwed!

Bad, Good and Great News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Can't Get Into

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."

Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

A New Pair of Boots

A young man bought a new pairs of boots of which he was very proud so he decided to go dancing and give them a try.

After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said, "I bet you I can guess the color of your panties."

"O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?"

"Blue", he replied.

"How did you know that?" she asked?

"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots", he said.

"Here," she said, "dance with my sister and tell me what color she has on".

After dancing a while the young man started rubbing he toes on his pant cuffs and started to dance again.

After a few minutes he ask the new lady, "What color panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out."

To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."

With a sigh of relief the young man said, "Oh good, for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."

Sisters of Mercy

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.....

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy

Police Dog

A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.

After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?"

The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop."

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."