The Perfect Wife

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn´t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife:
- "Honey, I´ll be right back."

- "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

- "I´m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I´m going to have a beer."

The wife said:
- "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn´t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
- "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn´t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying:
- "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
- "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d´oeuvres that are really delicious... I won´t be long. I´ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

- "You want hors d´oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d´oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

- "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there´s swearing, dirty words and all that..."

- "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR #$%@ING HORS D´OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN´T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" .

The Hitman

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, "Sure."

So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he’s a hitman. The friends all laugh.

The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So one of the friends dicides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replies, "Sure."

So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! And he’s naked too!"

This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger."

The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?

The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I’m a about to save you a thousand bucks!"

Young Girlfriend

It has been reported that O.J. Simpson's girlfriend is younger than his daughter.

When O.J. first met the woman, he said, "I can't date you. I'm old enough to murder your father."

When Superheroes Retire

Erap Joke: Medical Exam

Erap is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well. His pants, socks and watch follow suit. The nurse, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

Erap: "Miss, I am only following the instructions," he says, "it says here, "Answer the following questions in brief'."

Little Johnny Joke: The Value of a Catholic Education and a Pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, Little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber, so once again, Little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good!" and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Little Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped.

She shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

Coca-blood

Count Dracula's favorite softdrink.

Yoga or Whisky

Why bother to learn yoga when whisky can have the same effect.

Who is Jack Schitt

The lineage revealed:

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Soon you will be able to handle this situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner in law firm, Knee, Deep & Schitt.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt. Against his parent's strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr. Scherlock and, because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name,hence, she became known as Noe Schitt-Scherlock. Dip Schitt moved south and married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son and named him Chick Noe (after his grandmother) Schitt. He became known as Chick N. Schitt for short.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa. Their only son, Tough Schitt, became a professional wrestler and later moved to Minnesota to pursue a career in politics.

Now when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Break Up Letter And A Lost Dog

Funny and Useless Inventions