Brain Pills

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.

Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

Batman

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk... I mean really really really DRUNK. When the bar closed he got up to go home, and as he stumbled out of the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. Soooo he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well, the nun was really surprised...but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said......

"Not very fuckin' strong tonight, ARE YOU BATMAN?!"

Bar-room Football

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.

So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point.

All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his dick up Larry's ass.

Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The man answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!!!"

Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar and notices a huge pot filled with money sitting in the corner. He asks the bartender about it and the bartender tells him it's the prize for a contest.

"You pay 5 bucks for a chance to win the pot, and to win it you have to do three things" says the bartender. "First, you have to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Second, there's a pit bull out back who has an abscessed tooth. You have to pull the bad tooth from his mouth. Last, you have to go upstairs to the bedroom. Up there is the owner's mother. She's 90 years old, and hasn't had an orgasm in 30 years If you can make her come, the money's yours."

The guy decides to try it and tosses his five bucks in the pot. He walks up to the bouncer and decks the monster with a single punch. Then he goes out back. Soon everyone in the bar hears growling, barking, and yelling, followed by whimpering sounds.

The fellow strolls back into the bar with his clothes ripped up, covered with scratches and bites. "That's two down!" he says. "Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

Ballerina

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a drink, when the bartender calls who ordered a drink, she raises her arm.

A man across the road saw all this hair under her arm and came over. He goes, I'll buy that ballerina a drink.

The bartender asks how do you know she's a ballerina? The man replies only a ballerina can lift her leg up that high...

ATM Card

One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."

One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A Thief walks into the Bar

Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.

About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"

The big guy says, " I want to fuck everything that moves!"

The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"

The little guy says, "Stand real still!"

A Texan at Pub in Ireland

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"