Brain Pills

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.

Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

Batman

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk... I mean really really really DRUNK. When the bar closed he got up to go home, and as he stumbled out of the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. Soooo he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well, the nun was really surprised...but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said......

"Not very fuckin' strong tonight, ARE YOU BATMAN?!"

A Texan at Pub in Ireland

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Bar Joke: Your Mama

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!" :drinking:

Drunk Joke: In a Bar

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,
- "Hey you look just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks,
- "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers,
- "Chicago."

- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"

- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.

- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What’s your address?"
- "951"

- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents’ names?"

- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.

- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we’re related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."

Drunk Driver

A man was driving down the road, and was pulled over by a police office.
The office said, "you're drunk."
The driver said, "thank god for that, I thought the steering had gone."