The Golfer and The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Animal Game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.

She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

Learning ABC

The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.

The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?"

Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead.

Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"

"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?"

Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "Bitch." Instead, she calls on little Joey.

"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"

"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.

She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.

Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."

Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"

The Bet Maker

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar.

The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!"

The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.

With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!"

Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."

The Best At...

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.

He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."

"How much is that?"
"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building."I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints — twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

Skills as a Hunter

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared," And shot with a .22 rifle."

The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"

And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked.

She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an axe!"

Nun Joke: Long Time at Sea

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

Bouncer Boyfriend

A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!"

The embarrassed woman said, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you don't leave me alone I will go get him!"

"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!"

After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!"

"Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"

A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"

"Well... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in trouble!"

The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up, gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves.

"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching for his ax handle.

"And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"

The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and continues to read his paper.

The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man.

"Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!"

A Blonde's New Job

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

Confession

A sixteen-year-old girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Two Guys Playing Golf

Two guys were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The first guy finds his ball in a patch of buttercups. He grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. He hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process he hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks his path to his ball and looks at him and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the guy calls out to his buddy. "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The first guy screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

Never had Sex in Life

A certain guy had never had sex in his life, so his friend told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees. Later that week, he's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, quite honestly, "No.".

She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.

Again, he answers "No."

Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way; we're talking spread-eagle. She asks, "Now do you know what I want?"

He answers, "Yeah. You want the whole fuckin' bed to yourself.

Most Beautiful Night

On his honeymoon, a very thick South African Boer farmer, Piet Kruger, insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea.

On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

"Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Marie sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."

Four Married Guys Golfing

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.

What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

Golf in his Sleep

A guy and his wife are sound asleep in bed when all of a sudden the husband cracks his wife right in the head.

Wife responds "what the hell are you doing?"

Husband says "I'm playing a really tough par 5 and I just crushed my drive!"

Wife... "knock it off and go back to sleep."

Minutes later... crack... right in her head!

Wife... "now what?"

Husband... "I just drilled my three wood and I'm on the green!"

Wife... "I mean it! Knock it off and go back to sleep!"

Moments later... crack... WIFE hits HUSBAND right in the head!

Husband... "what the hell did you do that for?"

Wife... "I want you to stop using my pubic hairs to see which way the wind's blowing!"

Albert's Physical Exam Result

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

Donuts, Anyone?

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Japanese Torpedo

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart.

The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.

The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Man + Woman

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Geography Lesson

Teacher says to Melissa 'Where's the Eiffel Tower, Melissa?'
'I don't fuckin' know, do I? Weren't me as nicked it.'
'Right, you bring your mother in tomorrow. I'm telling her you said that'.

So next day Melissa's mother comes to see the teacher
'Why did you want to see me, Miss Smith?'
'Your daughter, when I asked her where the Eiffel Tower was, told me, and these were her exact words: 'I don't fuckin' know, do I? Weren't me as nicked it.'

'Well, Miss Smith, she's been going through a hard time what with her Dad beein' took off to prison and all, but I can tell you this. Whether she nicked it, or whether she didn't nick it, she didn't bring it 'ome, at any rate.'

In dismay, Miss Smith goes walking down the corridor shaking her head. The headmaster sees her and says, 'What ever is the matter?'

'Well, Mr. Parkins, I just can't get over the ignorance of some of the children in my class and their parents. When I asked Melissa Kelly where the Eiffel Tower was she said she didn't know because she hadn't stolen it, and then her mother tells me that she doesn't know whether or not she stole it, but she didn't take it home. I mean, I ask you!'

'Hmmn, yes Miss Smith. I think we have a definite problem. Isn't Melissa Kelly that ginger haired girl with the pierced nose?'

'Yes, headmaster, that's her'

'Well it's beyond hope then. If she's got it that's the last you'll see of it.'

Marriage Joke: After the Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like:
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK..."!

The Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do".

And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?... That's amazing."

Politician Son

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"Our son is going to be a politician!"

Dating Rules in College

1) In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.
2) In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
3) In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4) In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5) In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6) In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
7) In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8) In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish last.
9) In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE PARTNERS!
10) In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather

Tech Support

Tech Support: Yes, . how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Three Girls Go Camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

Drugstore Clerk

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

How do most men define marriage?

=> A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

=> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

=> Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

=> At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

=> Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

=> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

=> Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

=> Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

=> After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

=> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

=> When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

=> Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Woman Joke: Dating Different Races of Women

WHITE WOMEN :
-First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
-Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
-Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
-First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
-Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
-20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
-First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
-Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes Spaghetti & meatballs.
-Third Date: You have sex; she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
-5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought
of having sex.
-6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:
-First Date: You get terrific head.
-Second Date: You get even more great head.
-Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:
-First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
-Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
-Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already
realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
-First date: Meet her parents.
-Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
-Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN :
-First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
-Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
-Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
-Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
-First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
-Second Date: She's pregnant.
-Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his
girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her
sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and
beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but
now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARABIC WOMEN:
-First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
-Second Date: You are SHOT DEAD.
-No third date.

FILIPINA WOMEN:
-First Date: You don't even get one.

Military Joke: One Gun Salute

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

Military Joke: The Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

The Captain got a foot stool, climbed up on it and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Four Old College Friends

Four old college friends were having coffee.

The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders ... terribly handsome ...dresses very well...tight muscular body ... tight hard buns ... and a very nice bulge ... and whenever he walks into a room .... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."

Military Joke: Birthday Suit Inspection

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The Sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

"DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

Got Teeth Down There

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HECK NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

Religion Joke: A Preacher's Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The head elder then stood and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Little Johnny Joke: Letter to GOD USA

A Little Johnny wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Little Johnny was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Gay's Baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Caught by the Cop

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.

State cop: "License and registration please."

Man: "I`m sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"

State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."

Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I`m also citing you for having a tail light out."

Man: "But officer, I wasn`t aware it was out."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it`s been out for two months."

State cop: "I`m also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$` mouth!!!"

State cop: "Ma`am, does he always talk to you this way?"

Wife: "Only when he`s drunk......."

Boy Charged with Rape

An eight-year-old boy was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.

As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down the client's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny sex organ for all to see.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"

Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman-"

"WATCH IT," yelled the kid. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

Question and Answer Joke: Q n A

Contributed by: Alexandra Cates Erika B. Suyo

Q: The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.

Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan - the banks were always overflowing.

Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A: Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible ?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Cake or Bed?

A husband is at home watching a football game
when his wife interrupts,

Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It 's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now?
Does it look like i have a g.e. logo printed on my forehead?
I don't think so!

The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door?
it won't close right.

To which he replied, fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine, she says then you could at least fix the
steps to the front door? They're about to break.

I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps, he says.
Does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife,
and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?

She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong,
and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs,
and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied.
Hellooooo....... Do you see goldilocks written on my forehead?
I don 't think so!

Always Wear Something

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes Mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of." she answered. "Why?

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

Pinoy Joke: Pinoy Favorite Foods

This was posted in a restaurant near NAIA airport,
so, maybe next time you are around the area, you may
as well dine-in there, and check out their menu.
As you go on, it's becoming more interesting
and flavorful.(^_^) (this is based on true facts...)

1. TAPSILOG - Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog

2. LONGSILOG - Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog

3. HOTSILOG - Hotdog, Sinangag, Itlog

4. PORKSILOG - Pork, Sinangag, Itlog

5. CHICKSILOG - Chicken, Sinangag Itlog

6. AZUCARERA - Adobong Aso

7. LUGLOG - Lugaw, Itlog

8. PAKAPLOG - Pandesal, Kape, Itlog

9. KALOG - Kanin, Itlog

10. PAKALOG - Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog

11. MAALOG NA BETLOG - Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog

12. BAHAW - Bakang Inihaw (akala ninyo kaning lamig
ano)

13. KALKAL - Kalderetang Kalabaw

14. HIMAS - Hipon Malasado

15. HIMAS SUSO - Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso

16. HIMAS PEKPEK - Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan

17. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI - Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo,
Malasado, Laing, Kilawin

18. DILA - Dinuguan, Laing

19. DILAAN MO - Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo

20. BOKA BOKA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape

21. BOKA BOKA MO PA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape,
Molong Pancit

22. KANTOT - Kanin, Tortang Talong

23. KANTOT PA - Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit

24. SIGE KANTOT PA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang
Talong, Pancit

25. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,
Tortang Talong, Pancit - Take out

26. SIGE KANTOT PA HA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,
Tortang Talong, Pancit, Halo-halo

27. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO PAPA - Sinigang na Pige,
Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit... Take out with Ketchup


28. PAKANTOT - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong

29. PAPAKANTOT - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong

30. PAPAKANTOT KA BA - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang
Talong, Kapeng Barako

31. PAKANTOT SA YO - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,
Saging + Yosi

32. PAKANTOT KA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,
Kape

33. PAKANTOT KA HABANG MATIGAS PA - Pandesal, Kanin,
Tortang Talong, Kape, Inihaw na Bangus, Maruya,
Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit

34. SUBO - Sugpo, Bopis

35. SUBO MO - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo

36. SUBO MO PA - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit

37. SUBO MO PA MAIGE - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige

38. SUBO MO TITE KO - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki,
Kochinta

39. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola
Teryaki, Kochinta, Bihon, Tawilis

40. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS, HAYOP! - ...same as #39,
minura mo lang yung waiter kasi ang tagal ng order.

Little Johnny Joke: Boy it's Dark in Here

This Little Johnny hid in his parent's bedroom closet, as he wanted to see what took place in their room when the doors were locked.

As he peeked through the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boy's father comes home. The wife wisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.

After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here." Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement.

After a few more minutes the boy says, "Wanna buy my baseball glove?"

The man asks "How much?" In reply the boy says $50.

The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.

The man reluctantly agrees.

After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue she sends him on his way.

The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come from?, to which her son replied "Can't say."

The mother asks again and upon his refusal to tell she tells Little Johnny to get in the car.

The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the door over the boy said, "Boy it's dark in here", to which the priest replied, "Don't start that shit again!"

Pinoy Joke: Dear Ate Charo

I want to share with you and your televiewers what happened to me and my Dad one night that until now won't leave my mind. And as a personal request, I you to title this as, "Don't Dad, please..."

It is still clear in my mind. I was raining hard that night. Thunders and lightnings were everywhere, and yet the wind was warm.

I was at my room combing my hair, with just a towel around my fresh and fragrant body, after a refreshing bath. I heard my Dad knocked at my door. When I peeped, he said he wants to talk with me. I opened the door and he quickly entered.

I was surprised when he closed and locked the door. Dad held my hand. He touched gently my hair, my face. With his fingers, he traced my eyebrow, my checks, and my lips. I shouted.

"Dad noooo!!! Pleaseeeee!!!". But Dad heard nothing. He continued what he was doing. I just close my eyes. I can't bear to see what Dad was doing to me at that time.

Then I heard Mom. She was banging the door and forcing it to open but to no avail. She screamed, "You bulls---t. What are you doing? You're going to ruin our family's reputation and future. Stop iiiiiittt!!!"

But Mom can do nothing. The door was locked and Dad was as deaf as a fish. My strength quickly drained because of shock. I was helpless. It was at this time that I surrendered it all to Dad.

After a few hours, Dad stopped what he was doing. He made me face the mirror. I was surprised in the whole world of what I saw. Dad is really a good make-up artist. It was confirmed at that night.

At that same night,Dad told me and Mom of his secret. He is a gay. I was really happy that Dad finally had the courage to tell us. Mom too was happy. She was proud my Dad, in fact.

I thought my boyfriend will also be happy because i'll be more beautiful because of Dad's talent in make-ups. I hugged Mom and Dad. We all cried. I was tears of joy. Now we are a more happy family living a peaceful life.


Lovingly Yours,
Britney

P.S. This is me that night after Dad make-up me. And this too.

Pinoy Joke: The New Five Peso Bill

After the the victory of Manny Pacqiuao over Mixican's Eric Morales, Central Bank of the Philippines made a limited number of the Philippines five peso bill and spread it all over the country. Due to it's uniqueness, the said bill is now a collector's item. The Central Bank said that whoever have in position of this bill will receive a prize of 500,000.00 pesos for every copy he/she owned.

To help you identify the said five peso bill, I scanned and posted here one of the bills I own (I have a dozen for your information). See below the replica of the said five peso bill.

P.S. Please don't print a copy of this bill and present to Central Bank. They'll notice it and you might end up in the jail. I swear.

Pinoy Joke: Funny Jokes?

Contributed by: Myrill Sioson

Mom: baby, your good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a
question.

Baby: sure mom

Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4
apples, what's your answer?

Baby: thank you po!!!
--------------------------------------------
BF: may malaki ako problema.

GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil
nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?

BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama
--------------------------------------------
"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it
because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or
what else. Without which there never to you!" - words of
wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.
--------------------------------------------
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!

Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng
Ms. Universe

Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?

Pare2: pare ako nanalo!
--------------------------------------------
Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako

Father: ano kasalanan mo?

Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao

Father: bakit?

Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po
naniniwala ba?

Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
--------------------------------------------
Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot

Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob

Patient: (ininom ang gamot)

Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?

Patient: oo doc! putsa pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag
ang bungo!
--------------------------------------------
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...

WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...

Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?

Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25
years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria
--------------------------------------------
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap

Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!

Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!

Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!

Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
--------------------------------------------
1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang
aso

Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?

Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!

Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!
--------------------------------------------
In a pet shop...

Customer talking to a parrot...

Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!

Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!
--------------------------------------------
Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng
langit

Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa
rainbow mag slide-slide!!!
--------------------------------------------
Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A

Pare: approachable?

Bobo: mali

Pare: amiable?

Bobo: mali pa rin

Pare: o sige siret na!

Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!
--------------------------------------------
Girl: doc, pacheck-up po

Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka

Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po

Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim
--------------------------------------------
Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka
na...ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?

Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty
diba?!

Email Mistakes

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

Top 25 Explanations by Programmers...

Contributed by: Emmanuel Caseñas. (The S_x Guru himself)

...When their programs don't work.

1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

Programming Is Like Sex

Syndicated from: code snipper
Contributed by: Emmanuel Caseñas. (The S_x Guru himself)


Because...

- One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted.
- It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.
- Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.
- You can do it for money or for fun.
- If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.
- It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.
- There's not enough taught about it in public school.
- It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.
- Some people are just naturally good.
- But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them.
- There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.
- One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.
- It's a great way to spend a lunch break.
- Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.
- Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.
- Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.
- You'll miss it if it's been a while.
- There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.
- It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it.
- Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.
- Other people just get in the way.

Pinoy Joke: Tagalog Dictionary #2

Abuloy --- bayad sa nahigop na kape at nanguyang biskwit sa nilamayang sakla.
Akala ---- alam na alam daw.
Aginaldo - inaasahan na makukuha sa araw ng Pasko na mas okay sana kung pera na lang.
Ama ------ pamilyadong gustong maging binata
Bakasyon - sandaliang pahinga sa trabahong hingal lang ang pahinga.
Bakit ---- tanong na laging mahirap masagot.
Bakya ---- tsinelas na may takong.
Baga ----- lutuan ng mga hindi makabili ng microwave.
Bagoong -- masarap na ulam ng mga walang maiulam.
Baldado -- hindi mamamatay-matay na mukhang hindi na mabubuhay.
Bale ----- suweldong inutang.
Binata ------ lalaking gustong maging ama
Biyenan ------ anay ng tahanan
Kaaway --- ikli ng 'kaibigan na Inayawan.'
Kababata - dating gelpren na may ibang boypren.
Kabag ---- dighay at utot na naghalo sa tiyan.
Kabayo --- hayop na sinasakyan Ng kalesa.
Kabit ------ asawang nakatira sa iba
Kalbo ---- gupit ng buhok na korteng itlog.
Dalaga --------- babaeng gustong maging ina.
Dalaginding - dalagang hindi pa nagsusuot ng bra.
Dighay ------- Utot na lumabas sa bunganga.
Dilim ---- liwanag na maitim.
E -------- ireng paseksi.
Gahasa --- romansang walang ligawan.
Ginang --- asawa ni ginoo na mukha nang tsimay.
Ginoo ---- asawa ni ginang na may inaasawang iba.
Gipit ---- kalagayan ng tao na suki na ng sanglaan.
Ha ------- sagot ng nagbibingi-bingihan.
Halakhak - tawang bukang-buka ang ngala-ngala.
Handaan -- magdamagan na Palakihan ng tiyan.
Handog --- bigay na laging may kapalit.
Hipo ----- haplos na may malisya.
Hudas ---- tapat na manloloko.
Ibon ----- hayop na lumalangoy sa Hangin.
Imposible - pagtaas ng unano.
Ina -------- pamilyadang gustong maging dalaga.
Insulto --- walang hiyang biro.
Isda ------ hayop na hindi Nalulunod.
Itlog ------- pagkaing amoy utot
Ita ------- negrong Pinoy.
La -------- ikli ng 'lalalalala' sa kinakantang hindi maalala.
Lalawigan - syudad ng kahirapan.
Langaw ---- kulisap na bangung-bango sa amoy ng basura.
Ma -------- tawag sa gelpren na mukhang nanay na.
Malusog --- hitsura ng tumatabang balat.
Mama ------ tawag sa sosyal na ina.
Mano ------ kaugaliang Pinoy na nakapupudpod ng noo.... at bulsa.
Mantika --- katas ng piniritong taba.
Mayabang -------- abusadong tanga.
Maybahay -- dominanteng utusan sa bahay.
Nanay ---- Ilaw ng tahanan
Nakaw ----- hiram ng walang paalam
Naku ------ ikli ng 'nanay ko, nanay na ako.'
Nitso ----- bahay ng mga patay.
Nobya ----- gelpren na laking probinsya.
Ngalngal -- iyak ng walang ipen.
Ngisi ----- tawang tulo-laway.
Ngiti ----- tawang labas ipen.
Paa ------- bahagi ng katawan na amoy tuta.
Paaralan -- dito itinuturo kung ano, alin o sino ang mapipiling bobo.
Panata ---- dasal na nakatataba ng tuhod.
Regla ----- masungit na panahon ng pagkababae.
Sabon ----- mabangong bagay na ipinapahid sa mabahong katawan.
Sakristan - utusan ng pari.
Sampal ---- haplos na nakatitigas ng mukha.
Ta -------- ikli ng 'tita' o lalaking may bra.
Tamad ----- taong hindi napapagod sa pahinga.
Tatay ----- haligi ng tahanan
Utot-------- Dighay na lumabas sa puwit
Ulol -------- sobrang matalino
Wala ------- salitang tagalog na minana ng mga ingles.
Yaya -------- alaga ng ama ng inaalagaang bata.

Pinoy Joke: Tagalog Dictionary #1

>>>Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
>>>Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
>>>Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
>>>Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
>>>Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
>>>Devastation - sakayan ng bus
>>>Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
>>>Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
>>>Tissue - Ikaw nga!
>>>Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
>>>Dedicated - Pinatay ang pusa
>>>Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
>>>Deduct - Ang pato
>>>Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
>>>Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
>>>Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
>>>City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
>>>Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
>>>Persuading - Unang Kasal
>>>Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
>>>Defense - Ginamit na mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
>>>It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
>>>Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
>>>Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit,eh DELUSION)
>>>Delivery - Walang bayad. (di libre)
>>>Profit - Patunayan mo
>>>Backlog - bacon saka egg
>>>Beehive - magpakatino ka
>>>CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
>>>Debug - ang ipis
>>>Defrag - ang palaka
>>>Defense - ang bakod
>>>Defer - ang balahibo
>>>Deflate - ang plato
>>>Detest - ang eksamin
>>>Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
>>>Devote - ang boto
>>>Dilemma - brownout
>>>Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
>>>Forums - apat na kwarto
>>>July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
>>>Thesis - ito ay...

Ten Reasons Why Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Are Computers Female?

->They look nice and are user friendly, until ya have them a few years
->They have a lot of data, but not in any logical sequence
->Picky, picky, picky
->The sequence of strokes is often quite vital
->They hear what you say, but not what you mean
->Beauty is only shell deep
->Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed
->Always turn simple statements into big productions
->Small-talk is important
->Some models take forever to warm-up
->You do the same thing for years, then suddenly it's wrong
->They make you take the garbage out
->They are quite susceptible to all kinds of internal infections
->Miss a period and they go wild
->As soon as you get one, you see a better one
->No one but the creator understands the internal logic
->Older models have power surges that knock them out
->They are quite capable of "locking you out"
->Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference
->The language they use to communicate with all other computers is quite incomprehensible
->Error messages are as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm not going to tell you"
->When you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
->They never tire of using the telephone
->There's no such thing as a "crash-proof" computer
->All too often they require it to be done "their way" or not at all

Pinoy Joke: Signs - The Pinoy Way

on a street in San Juan:
"BAWAL MAGTAPON NG BINALOT NA TAE RITO"

on Jeepney and Bus signs:
"BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"

on a delivery truck:
"NOT FOR HERE"

on window of a restaurant in Baguio:
"WANTED: BOY WAITRESS but not LADY BOY"

A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
"PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."

At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
HAWAK MO ANG KINABOKHASAN NG BAYAN"

at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
"BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"

somewhere along a wall in Kanto Tinio, San Andres:
"NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"

vacant lot near makati ave.:
"DON'T PARKING"

at an eatery in Cebu:
"WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!

Sa Pader sa Intramuros:
"MARUNONG K BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMI-IHI DITO"

on a self-service restaurant in Cebu:
"PLEASE HELP OUR COMFORT ROOM CLEAN"

in Cubao:
"NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"

on a building somewhere in the Philippines.....
"NOTARY PUBLIC, TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO"!

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Nationality Joke: Titanic and Pearl Harbor

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks.
At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director,
Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.
After a couple of beers, the Chinese sensed that
Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the
Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious
hook from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell is that for?"

Spielberg ranted: That's for the bombing of Pearl
Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"

I am not Japanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I
am Chinese" exclaimed the Chinese.

The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese,
Burmese,Chinese, Vietnamese, you are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Chinese dusted off his
white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise
printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the
bartender. After a few sips, the Chinese stood
up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick,
sending the director flying halfway across the room.

"What was that for?!!' shouted the surprised Spielberg
from about fifteen feet away.

"That's for sinking the TITANIC! I had my
grandfather on that ship!", the Chinese answered back.

"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an
iceberg!" exclaimed the director.

"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg... you
are all the same."

Way To Go Granny

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has
a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair."

Little Johnny Joke: I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

Teacher, Teacher...

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Why are you late?
>BARBIE : Because of the sign.
>TEACHER: What sign?
>BARBIE : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Joy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
>JOY : You told me to do it without using tables!
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Stephen, how do you spell "crocodile"?
>STEPHEN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
>TEACHER: No, that's wrong
>STEPHEN : Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
>GERMAN : "HIJKLMNO"!!
>TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>GERMAN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Sonjay, go to the map and find North America.
>SONJAY : Here it is!
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>CLASS : Sonjay!
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: William, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
>have ten years ago.
>BYRON : Me!
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER : Benjamin, why do you always get so dirty?
>BENJAMIN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>CELIA : Dad, can you write in the dark?
>FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
>CELIA : Your name on this report card.
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
>BOBS : Don't bite any.
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Nova, give me a sentence starting with "I".
>NOVA : I is...
>TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
>NOVA : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
>TINTIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday at the
>same time."
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and
>one is blue with red spots!
>LARRY : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
>home.
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Where did you got you good looks.
>JANIE: "I musta got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl,
> " 'cause Mommy's still got hers.
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
>what virtue would I be showing?
>ROLDAN : Brotherly love.
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: Now, Ivan, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
>IVAN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
>-----------------------------------------------------

>-----------------------------------------------------
>TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
>no longer interested?
>DAISY : A teacher.
>-----------------------------------------------------

Pinoy Joke: Comfort Room

Last week, I left Manila with a couple of friends heading toward Punta Fuego, in Batangas, when I decided to stop at a comfort station in a relatively new Gas station in Tagaytay.

Being a new gas station, this place would have a clean bano and clean facility to take a good crap : ) The first stall was occupied (my theory was correct) so I went into the second one.

Just when I was seated and poised to emit a very "silent" fart, I heard a voice from the next toilet:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Putek!!! I thought in my mind. I am certainly not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort rooms or any comfort room for that matter.

Normally, I would keep as dead silent as possible in a situation like this so no one would think I was there. What was I to do? run? keep quiet? so many questions in my mind.

I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"OK LANG, pare!"

And the stranger said: "Whats up with you?"

Talk about your unnervingly dumb questions! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?

(In my mind) I was really beginning to think this was just TOO WEIRD! So I said:

"WELL, JUST LIKE YOU I'M MAKING 'TAE'"

Then, I heard the person, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next toilet answering all the questions I am asking you."

The Underwear

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Nice Questions, Stupid Answers

>===========
>TEACHER: Why are you late?
>BARBIE: Because of the sign.
>TEACHER: What sign?
>BARBIE: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Joy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
>JOY: You told me to do it without using tables!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Stephen, how do you spell "crocodile"?
>STEPHEN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
>TEACHER: No, that's wrong
>STEPHEN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
>GERMAN: "HIJKLMNO"!!
>TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>GERMAN: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Sonjay, go to the map and find North America.
>SONJAY: Here it is!
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>CLASS: Sonjay!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: William, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
>have ten years ago.
>BYRON: Me!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Benjamin, why do you always get so dirty?
>BENJAMIN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
>===========

>===========
>CELIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
>FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
>CELIA: Your name on this report card.
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
>BOBS: Don't bite any.
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Nova, give me a sentence starting with "I".
>NOVA: I is...
>TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
>NOVA: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
>Tintin: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday at the
>same time."
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and
>one is blue with red spots!
>Larry: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
>home.
>===========

>===========
>At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
>5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta got
>'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, " 'cause Mommy's still got hers.
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
>what virtue would I be showing?
>Roldan : Brotherly love.
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: Now, Ivan, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
>Ivan: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
>no longer interested?
>Daisy: A teacher.
>===========