Bar Joke: Your Mama

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!" :drinking:

Men's Dictionary

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay

Women's Dictionary

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Relationship Joke: Get Weighed

John took his blind date to a carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."

Nationality Joke: Canadian Tourist

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City and enters a large brothel. It’s only his second time in Oklahoma. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady over to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!

Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn’t done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two smacks him as hard as she can and runs away!

Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bob said: "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian Dollars".

Bar Joke: David Jones

(David Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store)

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shirt mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the
bartender says "Where´d you get the great pants mate?"

The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shoes and socks mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell do you think you are, mate?"

The naked guy sneers and says, "Who the hell do you think? - I´m David Jones!"

Animal Joke: The Snake and The Rabbit

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Funny Animation: Skateboard Accident

Animal Joke: The Chicken and the Road

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Drunk Joke: In a Bar

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,
- "Hey you look just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks,
- "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers,
- "Chicago."

- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"

- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.

- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What’s your address?"
- "951"

- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents’ names?"

- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.

- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we’re related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."

Medical Joke: Mixed Up Test Results

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

Receptionist: "I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from
another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other was positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your
wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her."

Profession Joke: The Engineer and the Programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!" This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers - all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Pinoy Joke: Isang Tanong, Isang Sagot

1) Keyboard ka ba? Type kita e.
2) Ice ka ba? Crush kita, okay lang?
3) Para kang SM, you've got it all!
4) Para kang plema! Di ka kasi maalis sa dibdib ko!
5) May MMDA ba rito? Kasi nagkabanggaan puso natin!
6) Pwede ba kita maging sidecar? Single kasi ako eh…
7) Uy malala na yung sakit ko sa puso, dalawa na lang options ko para gumaling, either ICU or U C me!
8 ) Are you a PS game? Because i hope you're not TEKKEN!
9) Alien ka ba? Kasi you're out of this world!
10) Yosi vendor ka ba? Kasi you give me HOPE and MORE!

Random Joke: Ferrari Formula One Team

The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young hoodlums. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how some young street punks could take off a cars tires within 6 seconds, without the proper equipment.
Ferrari soon realised their flaw.

The young men did not only change the tires in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the MacClaren team!

Marriage Joke: Sad Man

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"

Medical Joke: No Milk

A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don’t."
"I’m his aunt - but I’m SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

Random Joke: Cowboy and His Horse

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

Sex Joke: Slippers

A man was at his wealthy friends house when his friend asked him to go upstairs and get his slippers. The man agreed, and proceeded upstairs where he saw his friends two gorgeous 18 and 19 year old daughters having a pillow fight. The man told the two girls that their father had sent him upstairs to have sex with them. The girls replied that their father would never say such a thing. The man assured them that it was true, and to prove it he yelled down to their father "Both of Them?"

Blonde Joke: State Capitals

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she’d hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all of the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
- "I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals!"

One of the guys said,
- "I don’t believe you."

She said,
- "It’s true. Just test me!"

- "Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he ssked.

- "A" she answered, smugly.

Family Joke: Indian Names

An Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we the people of the prairies always have long names, while the white men have shorter names, like Bill, Tex, Sam, or LeeLee ?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture--not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything-- we survive.

"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
"Then there's your big brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

"It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

Work Joke: Meeting Rules for Managers

1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Computer Joke: Mouse Problems

Secretary: "Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mouse."
Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we’ve got mice in there!?)
Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls."
Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the world did they do that???"
Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something."
Pastor: "We’ve got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn’t even realize mice had balls...!"
Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time!"
Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals) "Well...what can we do?"
Secretary: "I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on..."
Pastor: "WHAT?!?"
Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing.....?!"

Sex Joke: Sex Branding

Sex is...

like NOKIA (connecting people)
like NIKE (just do it)
like PEPSI (ask for more)
like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited)
and like ME (too good to be true)...

Politics Joke: The Chicken and the Road

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Blonde Joke: Turtles and Blondes

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

When they are on their backs they are screwed.

Marriage Joke: Busted

A woman is at home alone, when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with this".
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
"Do you have vagina?"
"Yes !!!!" she says......
The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to please leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

Pinoy Joke: Pinoy Contractor

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and the third an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for
me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you
expect me to consider your service with that bid?"

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire
the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

Religion Joke: The Cab Driver and the Nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab
driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to
ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun
fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and
my name is Kevin."

Lawyer Joke: Murder Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn’t!"

Marriage Joke: Everything Happens for a Reason

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $20 from me that morning and your new silk boxers were $20.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for 60 Million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Aman Pulo somewhere in Palawan. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem. Change is good.

Random Joke: Rules of the Road

- The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.
- The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.
- The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.
- The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.
- If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.
- The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.
- Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.

Family Joke: Limousine Parking

There was a little girl in the shower with her mummy. The little girl asked, "Whats that mummy"? The mum replied, "thats a garage never let a limousine park in there.

There was a little boy in the shower with his daddy. The boy asked, "Whats that daddy"? He replied, "Thats a limo you can park them in a garage.

The next day the little boy and girl were hanging out and the parents ran to the bathroom for hearing a scream and there was blood in the tub and the girl said, "Mummy he tried to park his limo in my garage so i ripped off his wheels."

Animal Joke: Never Talk to the Parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Pinoy Joke: Ganito Magbigay nng Masamang Balita

Kumirirng ang telepono nang madaling araw…
"Hello Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, yung katiwala nyo sa bakasyunan nyo."
"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala, Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga nyong parrot."
"Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? Yung nanalo sa bird show?"
"Opo Master Carlos, yun na nga po."
"Putris…sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay nya?"
"E kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne…"
"Bulok na karne? At sino naming salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"
"Wala po, nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr. Arnaldo?"
"E, yun pong mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir, namatay po kasi sila lahat sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anonng kariton ng tubbbiiiiigggg?"
"Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman yang pinagsasabi mo?
"Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay nyo…tumumba po yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy…"
"Ano? Puuut…E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan a, para saan yung kandila?
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano kaninong burol?"
"Sa nanay nyo po, Sir bigla kasi siya dumating dito nung isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso, Lampas hating gabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw binaril ko."

Random Joke: On The Roof

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?".

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

"What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

Amusing Stories: Man Who Had Sex with Bike

A man named Robert Stewart, who have been caught having sex with his bike, has been placed on the sex offenders’ register. He admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

Two cleaners discovered him on the act in his room at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Source: Telegraph.co.uk via The XO Directory

Funny Picture: Is it STOP or HELP?

Man Joke: College of Logic

Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious. The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...

Driver: "What does ’College of Logic’ mean?"
Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do."
Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."
Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."
Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."
Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...
Passenger: "So, what’s it all about?"
Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Passenger: "No."
Driver: "Then you’re a Homo!"

Amusing Stories: Bumper Stickers

- IF YOU CAN’T FEED EM, DON’T BREED EM!
- Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
- If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
- Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
- The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
- I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
- So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
- If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
- Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
- Illiterate? Write For Help.
- Honk If Anything Falls Off.
- Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
- He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
- I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
- I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
- (The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
- Guys: No Shirt, No Service
- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
- Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
- Heart Attacks: God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
- How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
- All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
- POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

Computer Joke: The World's Smartest Man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Sex Joke: The Bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,....

"Darling. Look at THIS!!!" "She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

Funny Animation: Bird Hunting

(Click on the picture to play animation)

Priest Joke: Confession of a Sinner

There once was a young woman who went to confession.

Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

She said, "Last night my neighbor´s husband made passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

She asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that damn smile off of your face!

Elderly Joke: The Fishing Trip

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!"

"Then you’re not old enough.", said the grandfather.

A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "NO!"

"Well you’re not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.

About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.
On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn’t win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?"
The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"

"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.

Funny Picture: Shaved Pussy

Elderly Joke: McDonalds

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47."

He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

Woman Joke: Tears of Joy

Daddy: Why are you crying, my dear?
Daughter: Because I passed the test. Huhuhu!
Daddy: Oh, that must be tears of joy. What subject?
Daughter: Pregnancy test!

Marriage Joke: Doggie Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" . "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Celebrity Joke: Dumbest People in Hollywood

The New York Daily News has released its "50 Dumbest People in Hollywood" list with Lindsay Lohan topping the list.

Paris Hilton would have been on the list but she totally messed-up her application.

- Alex Kaseberg

Funny Picture: Never Give Up

Relationship Joke: Why Do Men Chase Women

Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Funny Animation: Deleting

(Click on the picture to play animation)

Woman Joke: Hold My Monkey

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Family Joke: You have got a Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

"You have got a Male."

Marriage Joke: Monster Fart

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.

This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!"
To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Woman Joke: I'm A Wife

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Funny Picture: Lucrative Job Offer

Erap Joke: Dental Appointment

The Estrada's were shown into the dentist's office, where Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

Marriage Joke: Only Married Men

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Politics Joke: Cute Story

This is a cute story. Today, legendary singer Neil Diamond revealed that the hit song "Sweet Caroline" was named for Caroline Kennedy.

In a not-so-cute story, the English band The Prodigy revealed that their song "Smack My Bitch Up" was inspired by Hillary Clinton.

- Alex Kaseberg

Amusing Stories: Land-mines

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

Sex Joke: Top 10 Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don’t finish a chapter, you won’t gain a reputation as a "book teaser".

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.

and the number one reason is ...

1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

Funny Picture: Baby Dracula's Feeding Bottle

School Joke: Map Reading

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Animal Joke: Idiot Hippopotamus

Boy1: Why did you punched me?
Boy2: You called me hippopotamus!
Boy1: Are you nuts! That was last year.
Boy2: I know. I just saw a picture of hippopotamus a minute ago, idiot!

Marriage Joke: If Only You Are Good

Husband: You know what dear, if you are only good in cooking, we don't need the maid. We can save P3,000.
Wife: Sweetheart, if you are only good in bed, we don't need the driver. We can also save P5,000!

Sex Joke: Bed Talk

Boy: "Is this your first time?"
Girl: (angrily) "Yes! You guys are really weird, always asking me the same
question!