Man Joke: College of Logic

Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious. The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...

Driver: "What does ’College of Logic’ mean?"
Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do."
Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."
Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."
Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."
Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...
Passenger: "So, what’s it all about?"
Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Passenger: "No."
Driver: "Then you’re a Homo!"

Amusing Stories: Bumper Stickers

- IF YOU CAN’T FEED EM, DON’T BREED EM!
- Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
- If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
- Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
- The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
- I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
- So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
- If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
- Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
- Illiterate? Write For Help.
- Honk If Anything Falls Off.
- Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
- He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
- I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
- I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
- (The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
- Guys: No Shirt, No Service
- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
- Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
- Heart Attacks: God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
- How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
- All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
- POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

Computer Joke: The World's Smartest Man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Sex Joke: The Bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,....

"Darling. Look at THIS!!!" "She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

Funny Animation: Bird Hunting

(Click on the picture to play animation)

Priest Joke: Confession of a Sinner

There once was a young woman who went to confession.

Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

She said, "Last night my neighbor´s husband made passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

She asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that damn smile off of your face!

Elderly Joke: The Fishing Trip

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!"

"Then you’re not old enough.", said the grandfather.

A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "NO!"

"Well you’re not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.

About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.
On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn’t win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?"
The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"

"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.

Funny Picture: Shaved Pussy

Elderly Joke: McDonalds

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47."

He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

Woman Joke: Tears of Joy

Daddy: Why are you crying, my dear?
Daughter: Because I passed the test. Huhuhu!
Daddy: Oh, that must be tears of joy. What subject?
Daughter: Pregnancy test!

Marriage Joke: Doggie Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" . "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Celebrity Joke: Dumbest People in Hollywood

The New York Daily News has released its "50 Dumbest People in Hollywood" list with Lindsay Lohan topping the list.

Paris Hilton would have been on the list but she totally messed-up her application.

- Alex Kaseberg

Funny Picture: Never Give Up

Relationship Joke: Why Do Men Chase Women

Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Funny Animation: Deleting

(Click on the picture to play animation)

Woman Joke: Hold My Monkey

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Family Joke: You have got a Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

"You have got a Male."

Marriage Joke: Monster Fart

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.

This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!"
To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Woman Joke: I'm A Wife

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Funny Picture: Lucrative Job Offer

Erap Joke: Dental Appointment

The Estrada's were shown into the dentist's office, where Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

Marriage Joke: Only Married Men

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Politics Joke: Cute Story

This is a cute story. Today, legendary singer Neil Diamond revealed that the hit song "Sweet Caroline" was named for Caroline Kennedy.

In a not-so-cute story, the English band The Prodigy revealed that their song "Smack My Bitch Up" was inspired by Hillary Clinton.

- Alex Kaseberg

Amusing Stories: Land-mines

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

Sex Joke: Top 10 Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don’t finish a chapter, you won’t gain a reputation as a "book teaser".

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.

and the number one reason is ...

1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

Funny Picture: Baby Dracula's Feeding Bottle

School Joke: Map Reading

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Animal Joke: Idiot Hippopotamus

Boy1: Why did you punched me?
Boy2: You called me hippopotamus!
Boy1: Are you nuts! That was last year.
Boy2: I know. I just saw a picture of hippopotamus a minute ago, idiot!

Marriage Joke: If Only You Are Good

Husband: You know what dear, if you are only good in cooking, we don't need the maid. We can save P3,000.
Wife: Sweetheart, if you are only good in bed, we don't need the driver. We can also save P5,000!

Sex Joke: Bed Talk

Boy: "Is this your first time?"
Girl: (angrily) "Yes! You guys are really weird, always asking me the same
question!

Amusing Stories: Free Condom

Last year, Nursing students distributed condoms to Ugoy residents in the
Mountain of Minglanilla for birth control.

Yesterday, one resident wrote a letter to one of the Nursing students, saying, "Can I removed this condom now?"

Work Joke: How To Look Like You're Working Hard

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk.

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.

If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

4. Voice Mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there - it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late.

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (e.g., 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect.

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Build Vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

Work Joke: Breaktime

My secretary liked to yammer on the phone with friends. One day I was about to interrupt her chat to tell her to get back to work, when she looked up at the clock and put an end to the conversation. "Sorry, I have to hang up now," she said. "It's time for my break." -- James Maxwell

Source: RD

Little Johnny Joke: Realistic Drawings

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.
It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.
The fly didn’t fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn’t fly away.

This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.

Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny’s father to school.

"You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That’s nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."

Little Johnny Joke: I Think I Can

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think can!"

Little Johnny Joke: Let Me Suck It

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!" "Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered. "Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven. "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!". The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer.

The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?" Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

Funny Animation #7

Sex Joke: Super Slam

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything. Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batcar. Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away. Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

Work Joke: Giving more than 100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you......

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it...
and have a nice day at work.

Marriage Joke: Waiting

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies: "Autumn."

Computer Joke: MS Tech at Bootcamp

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

Animal Joke: A Real Polar Bear

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm fucking freezing!"

Sex Joke: In the Prison

Four convicts were eating in the chow hall one day.

One says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "Pfffffffffffffff"

A second guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "Pffffffffffffff"

A third guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "Pffffffffffffff"

The fourth guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "BRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!

The other three guys look astonished. "Wow!! A virgin!!"

Marriage Joke: Baby Talk

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Marriage Joke: Adam and Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"

Child Joke: All Busy

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"

"Lookin for me."

Random Joke: The Hard-hearing Genie

Bob and Peter were playing golf, and Peter pulls out a big cigar and asks Bob if he has a lighter. Bob takes out a 25 cm long Bic lighter, Peter says

"WOW where did you get that huge lighter from?" Bob answers "I got it from my genie, it is in my golfbag" Peter asks if he can see the genie, and Bob opens his golfbag and out flies the genie,

"Hi genie" Bob says "I am a REALLY good friend of your owner, will you grant me a wish too?" - the genie says "Sure what do you want?"

"I wish A MILLION BUCKS", the sky darkens over them, where a million DUCKS are flying, Bob looks angry.

Peter says: "Hey sorry I forgot to tell you my genie has a small problem with hearing because of his age, but you did not seriously think I had asked it for a 25 cm BIC did you ? ?"

Random Joke: Recognizing George

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain’t George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain’t George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Child Joke: Big Fight

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"

Marriage Joke: Small World

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don’t you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."

Erap Joke: Call Center

A cub reporter was complaining about the
President's accessibility to the
media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he
said it is harder now to get
through the President compared to those days when
he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.The
mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo
yan! In fact they have installed a
very sophisticated telephone system over at
Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset
and presto you can talk to the
President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly
ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha?
Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and
dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:

"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS ONE. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS TWO. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH,PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"

That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent
reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the
instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:

MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA, AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!

Question and Answer Joke: About Australia

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

Medical Joke: Very Well

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office.
- "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

- "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

- "No, not me," said the girl. "it’s my old aunt here."

- "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Medical Joke: Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Work Joke: Tips on How to Look Happy at Work

Are workloads getting to you? Are you feeling stressed because of too many priorities and assignments? Here is the new low cost way to cope with multiple priorities & assignments!

Take 2 paper clips and rubber bands. Fig 1.


Assemble them as shown on the picture. Fig. 2.


Then Apply as shown in fig. 3.


Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of the day with a smile on your face!

from Joel Badinas dot Com

Random Joke: On Your Head

Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

Military Joke: Alligator Shoe

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long aligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the aligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Random Joke: Big Trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

Work Joke: WORK Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Little Johnny Joke: The Stork

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"The stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said Little Johnny.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?"
"Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother.
The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Marriage Joke: Even Identical Twins Are Different

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

Marriage Joke: What a Coincidence

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I´m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I´m celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I´m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they´re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said, for my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I´m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Clinton in Hell

Clinton dies and goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him 3 ways to spend eternity.

He opens the first door and Bill sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "oh no. That's not how I want to spend eternity..."

The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, "Nope. Not for me."

The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him oral sex. Bill says, "Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I'll take it!"

The Devil then says "Good..... Hey Monica, you've been replaced..."

Funny Picture: It Really Is Harder Sometimes

from The WVB

Pinoy Joke: In the Desert

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they’re walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.

The women says, "fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes
and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

Rude Questions and Answers

Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms?
A: So they can fucking moan when they’re happy, too.

Q: What’s the difference between a pimple and a priest?
A: A pimple wait till you’re about 15 till it comes on your face.

Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?
A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Wall Street firm with a B&D brothel?
A: A business for stocks and bondage.

Q: What’s the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob?
A: You’ll never hear a guy getting a blowjob say, "Slow down!
Stop! BITE, YOU COCKSUCKER!"

Q: Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises?
A: Because they should be.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.

Q: What defines a truly sensitive guy?
A: He doesn’t make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent

- Gets you cheap airfare then asks, "You know how to fly a 737, right?"

- The itinerary shows you crossing the Pacific Ocean on Amtrak.

- Reserves you a great package for seven days and two nights.

- Books you on something called "Dulta Airlines."

- Looks at you funny after hearing there’s a "South"
America.

- "Rental car" turns out to be a donkey with cupholders.

- No matter what your destination, you have a layover in Afghanistan.

Definitions

ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.

BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.

BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child.

CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife’s watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.

DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey.

ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them.

PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience

PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.

STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.

DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.

HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women.

INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex.

MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy.

NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does.

TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.

INTERVIEW: That which can be seen between the interviewee’s legs.

EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.

HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.

IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.

INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".

Not Easy

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.

Funny Animation #6

Can't Swim

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

Marriage Joke: What is a Headache?

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"

Erap Joke: My Body Hurts

ERAP: Doc, help me. May body hurts all over. Look, if i touch my head, OUCH! My leg, OUCH!, Even my hair, OUCH!

DOC: Ah, Mr. President, I think your finger is broken.

Random Joke: Bar Room Chat Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

"I’ll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I’m easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I’m gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don’t feel well, let’s go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don’t feel well, let’s go home." [male] (I’m horny.)

"Who’s got the next round?" (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I’m really gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I’m really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don’t have my ID on me." [female] (I’m 16.)

"I don’t have my ID on me." [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

Some Lesser Known World Records

From Ripley’s Believe it or Not

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ’substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a ’staggering turd’ over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

Work Joke: Office Survey

A survey says the number one annoyance at work is office gossip.

Second is loud noise in the office.

Third is people wasting time by taking meaningless office surveys.

- Jim Barach

Marriage Joke: Saving for the Marriage

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.
- "My son, you shouldn’t be doing that,"
said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said,
- "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in.
- "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

- "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then."

- "And what was that, my son?"

- "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving that stuff for when I get married," said the young man.

- "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest.

- "Did you take my advice?"

- "Yes I did, Father, but there’s only one problem."

- "What’s that, my son?"

- "Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

Marriage Joke: Divorce Court

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’

Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’

’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.

Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’

Dumbest Things Ever Said in Court

The following questions were actually posed by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records.

Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Defendant: That’s me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Lawyer: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?

Marriage Joke: Domestic Divide

My husband and I have always exchanged chores around the house, including doing the dishes, which I hate to do, and mowing the lawn, which he hates to do. This worked to our mutual satisfaction until he began to be bothered by people in passing cars staring at him as he relaxed while I mowed.

He solved the problem by presenting me with a T-shirt to wear while I was cutting the grass. On the front, big letters said: "IT'S ALL RIGHT." The back of the T-shirt proclaimed: "HE DOES THE DISHES."

via Reader's Digest

Drunk Driver

A man was driving down the road, and was pulled over by a police office.
The office said, "you're drunk."
The driver said, "thank god for that, I thought the steering had gone."

Funny Animation #5

Why Men Can’t Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

Erap Joke: Cory, FVR and Erap

Si Erap, si Cory at si FVR at nahuli ng mga NPA. Sila ay dinala sa taguan ng mga ito, at i-eexecute sila sa pamamagitan ng firing squad.

Inuna ng mga NPA si Cory. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si Cory, Bagyo!!! Nagtakbuhan yung firing squad dahil natakot sila. Nakatakas si Cory.

Pag labas ng mga ito, si FVR yung isinunod. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si FVR, Earthquake!!! Nagtakbuhan ulit yung firing squad dahil natakot sila. Nakatakas si FVR.

Pag labas ng mga ito, si Erap na. Iniisip ni Erap kung pano sya tatakas, dahil nagamit na nung dalawang ex-presidente ang bagyo at earthquake. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si Erap, Fire!!!

Mental Interview

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me", said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous", said the head of the institution.

"Or else", ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely", said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution".

"An interesting possibility", said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle".

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss "BayWatch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!

Female and Male Vocabulary

1. A THINGEY:
A. Female - Any part under a car’s hood.
B. Male - The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

2. VULNERABLE:
A. Female - Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
B. Male - Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION:
A. Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
B. Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT:
A. Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male - Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT:
A. Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male - Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE:
A. Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE:
A. Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL:
A. Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male - A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Things Actually Said in Court:

Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.

Q’s & A’s

Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?

Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He establishes "darkness" as the standard and makes everybody go along.

Q: Why doesn’t Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?
A: They give him gas.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut HER off!

Q: Why is the space between a woman’s tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.

Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones get thrown back, the average ones are eaten nicely, and the large ones are considered souvenir material.

Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.

Little Johnny Joke: Good Marks or Else

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Funny Animation #4

Erap Joke: Miriam versus Erap

The most intelligent "presidential", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidential to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to
Miriam. Now, it's his turn.

He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.

Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

Lost in Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin’ good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn’t go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside since most people can’t read.

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38’s!"

Is It Clear

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don’t know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast was clear."

Marriage Joke: Bad News, Good News

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Marriage Joke: Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Boarding Exercise

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Second Opinion

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and then storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband asks, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
He says, "In bed this early, doing what?"
She says, "Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage Joke: Proud Father

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'".

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four".