Ice Fishing

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her."How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

Boat Troubles

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Cant Stop With The Q And A's

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

A: Because she didn't know which one came first!Q: How can you confuse a blonde?

A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone. Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?

A: Nothing, they never met.Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Because the blondes couldn't manage it either. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A Golden retriever! Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts? A: Change! Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know which day of the week it is. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week! Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted. Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted! Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?

A: She threw out all the W's

Blonde And The Puzzle

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?""Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?""Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Odd Jobs

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies."I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more." "But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch.""Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

Last Requests

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, " Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

Even More Blonde Q And A's

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Are you boys all in the same band?"

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: She drops her nail-file

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Blonde Swimming

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead."There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette."No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?""What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

Lots Some More Blonde Q & A's

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A Cause their balls show!

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: It's the only car name they can spell.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Introduces herself.

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Some More Blonde Q & A's

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Blonde Kidnap

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Blonde Q And A's

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami!

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.

Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag? A: "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!"

The Three Wishes

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."

Blonde And The Washing Machine

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A:Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Blonde And Hairdresser

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.She hears: ?Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

Blonde Weighs Baby

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

Blonde's Medical Exam

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

Blonde's Memo To Her Boss

TO: Boss

FROM: Blondie

RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark, Februark, Mak and Julk. I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak. We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice day!!!

Blondes And Turtles

Q: What do turtles and blondes have in common?

A: If they're on their back, they're screwed!

Blond Alligator Shoes

Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just > go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

Blonde And Screen Door

Q: What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?
A: The more you bang them the looser they get.

Q: What is the difference inbetween a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick only gets layed once.

Q: What do a blonde and spaghetti have in common?
A: The more you eat them the more they wiggle.

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

Blonde And The Coke Machine

This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."

Pillsbury Dough Boy

Q: What do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde?

A: A whiney bitch with a yeast infection

Big 10 Inch

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.."I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter."Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster.""I got it from my genie.""You have a genie?" he asked."Yes, he's right here in my pocket.""Could I see him?"He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?""Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

Cow Pat Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail,stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon."Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff."Did I just see what I think I saw?""Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.""And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."Nope, but it keeps me from lick'en 'em."

Walks In A Bar

A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender says "Is this a joke?"

The Drunk Contest

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar."The man asks, "What are the tasks?""First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender."Damn." says the man.Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, "I'm in."He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, "Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth."

Man In Pub

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts." The man says, "Get them a pint too."Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."The man says, "Get them a drink too." The bartender says, "That will be $328 please."The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck."The man says, "I've all ready been there."

Furniture Salesman

Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar comiserating. One says, "Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass."The second salesman says, "Watch your mouth! There's a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m'aam."The woman looks at him and says, "That's OK. I'm a hooker. If I don't move some ass this month, I'm going to lose my furniture!"

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, ?Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.? 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, ?Say what breed is that anyway?? The owner says, ?Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.?

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. "If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog." "Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

Twelve Inch Pianist

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.?Hey, what's that?? ?A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.? ?Can I try?? The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. ?Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!? ?Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist??

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

The Bar Basement

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, ''If you can sit in my basement for a day I'll give you free beer forever.'' So the first man says, ''Easy. I can do that.'' But he walks out after five minutes and says, ''It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.'' So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than 10 minutes. Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it. He said, ''Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!''

One Last Night

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried."What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. " Yeah, except today is the last night.

Body Building

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

In And Out Of Puddles

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?""Huey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?""Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?" "Duey," replies the duck."So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?" The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

Make A Horse Cry.

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5 So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves. The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. COST $10 So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?" The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

Who Can Say This Sentence?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

The Knot

A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer. The waiter says, "I am sorry but we can't serve strings here."The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, "Waiter, give me a beer." The waiter says,"Hey aren't you the string who came in here earlier."The string replies, "No, I'm a fraid knot."

Blowin Chunks

Okay a man is in a bar and he's gettin really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him, "Do you wanna drink?"And the man replies, "Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night I was blowing Chunks all night!"And the bartender says, "Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk."Then the man says, "No you dont understand my dog's name is Chunks."

3 Vampires In Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood." The second vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood, too." Then the third vampire says,"I'd like a pint a plasma." Then the bartender says,"OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?"

Spit On My Beer

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"

25 Signs You've Had Too Much To Drink

Please try the following:

Beer And A Box

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz. The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!" The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!" "The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"

High Tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Me Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said."Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Drunk Guy And The Nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Flush

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Two Irish Men In A Bar

There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went.

Guy 1: Yah..I'm originally from Dublin, Ireland
Guy 2: REally?! Me too!
Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.
Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?
Guy 1: 1988!
Guy 2: Same here!

A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew each other. The bar tender replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."

Who Is Drunk?????

The Five Stages Of Drunkeness

Stage 1 - CLEVER: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE: This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

The Five Stages of Sobering Up

Stage 1 - STUPID: As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY: Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE: As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS: This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

Mom, I'm Pregnant!

One April Fools Day, when I was about 15 or 16, I told my mom I was pregnant. It was really funny to see her reaction, but I got in major trouble when I told her I was joking. Some people just don't appreciate a good joke...

Daylight Savings Time

When I was in junior high school my mother played agood trick on my father. She was always an earlyriser (as in 5:00 a.m.). My father had to get up at 7:00 for work. She went around the house and set allthe clocks to 9:25 or so, then ran frantically intohis room, and woke him up yelling "John! John! You over slept!" He was just about out the door before shebroke down and let him in on the joke.

Toilet Trick

Hey, this party was on April Fool's Day, so anything goes, right? Anyway, at the party there were two bathrooms. I went to the busiest one and did my usual medicine cabinet snooping and found some Icee Hot behind the mirror. So, on my way out I smeared the toilet seat with a thin layer of gel.After I left, I got a beer but positioned myself so I could see if the next person out reacted. Yeah, baby!The heat hit this chick as she was just leaving. Her eyes popped open and she did a 180 degree turn right back into the bathroom.Good practical joke: priceless.

I Got A Referal

I never do anything that i would get a referal in school for. So one day in 8th grade i asked one of my teachers to write me up. And he did. When i got home my mom was sleeping and my dad was in the living room. I handed him the copy that i got to take home and he read it. while he was reading it u gould see the anger building in him. Then he laughed at the end. My mom comes out of the room awhile later and reads it. While she is reading it she asks me questions like "who was it?" And she luaghed at the end. A this is what it said i had been cuaght by three girls writing that a teacher sucks in the girls bathroom and that i would be suspended for a couple of days and that i would have to by paint to cover it up and at the end it said that i knew that this was a april fools joke my parent were pissed before they read that i knew it was a joke

The Bunny And The Snake

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit."Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.""It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.""Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.""Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

Chicken

Q:Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

A: because he was a "chicken".

The Three Legged Chicken

A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. "Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own." "That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?""I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."

Chucky Goes To The Movies

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.""I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie."Marge", whispered Mildred."What", said Marge."I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred."What makes you think that", asked Marge."He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred."Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all.""I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."