Three Girls Go Camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

Drugstore Clerk

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

How do most men define marriage?

=> A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

=> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

=> Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

=> At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

=> Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

=> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

=> Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

=> Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

=> After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

=> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

=> When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

=> Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Woman Joke: Dating Different Races of Women

WHITE WOMEN :
-First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
-Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
-Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
-First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
-Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
-20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
-First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
-Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes Spaghetti & meatballs.
-Third Date: You have sex; she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
-5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought
of having sex.
-6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:
-First Date: You get terrific head.
-Second Date: You get even more great head.
-Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:
-First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
-Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
-Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already
realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
-First date: Meet her parents.
-Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
-Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN :
-First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
-Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
-Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
-Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
-First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
-Second Date: She's pregnant.
-Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his
girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her
sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and
beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but
now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARABIC WOMEN:
-First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
-Second Date: You are SHOT DEAD.
-No third date.

FILIPINA WOMEN:
-First Date: You don't even get one.

Military Joke: One Gun Salute

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

Military Joke: The Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

The Captain got a foot stool, climbed up on it and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Four Old College Friends

Four old college friends were having coffee.

The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders ... terribly handsome ...dresses very well...tight muscular body ... tight hard buns ... and a very nice bulge ... and whenever he walks into a room .... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."

Military Joke: Birthday Suit Inspection

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The Sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

"DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"