Ballerina

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a drink, when the bartender calls who ordered a drink, she raises her arm.

A man across the road saw all this hair under her arm and came over. He goes, I'll buy that ballerina a drink.

The bartender asks how do you know she's a ballerina? The man replies only a ballerina can lift her leg up that high...

ATM Card

One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."

One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Breastfeeding

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

Big Lips

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Pussycats

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Oriental Massage

Mike was on a business trip and was staying in this fancy hotel. When he went up to his room there was a sign near the bed that said "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rang down to the reception and told the clerk that he'd wanted to try one of the massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady came up and started giving him a massage.

He was on his stomach and got pretty horny resulting in a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he did she saw his cock standing to attention.

She giggled and said "Ahh, you want wanky!" and Mike said "Oooh, yes!"

She ran off into the bathroom and left him on the bed waiting. A few minutes passed by and she stuck her head out from behind the door and said "You finished yet?"

Women are Complex Creatures

- If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
- If you don't, you are not a man
- If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
- If you don't, you are good for nothing
- If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
- If you don't, you are not understanding
- If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
- If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
- If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
- If you don't, you are a dull boy
- If you are jealous, she says it's bad
- If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
- If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
- If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
- If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
- If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
- If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
- If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
- If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
- If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
- If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
- If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
- If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
- If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
- If you talk, she wants you to listen
- If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:

- So simple, yet so complex
- So weak, yet so powerful
- So confusing, yet so desirable
- So damning, yet so wonderful...

9 Facts About Man and Woman

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Woman's Life Cycle

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

...and what they actually mean.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Women's Dictionary

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Medical Joke: No Milk

A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don’t."
"I’m his aunt - but I’m SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

Woman Joke: Tears of Joy

Daddy: Why are you crying, my dear?
Daughter: Because I passed the test. Huhuhu!
Daddy: Oh, that must be tears of joy. What subject?
Daughter: Pregnancy test!

Woman Joke: Hold My Monkey

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Woman Joke: I'm A Wife

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Marriage Joke: Waiting

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies: "Autumn."

Why Men Can’t Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

Female and Male Vocabulary

1. A THINGEY:
A. Female - Any part under a car’s hood.
B. Male - The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

2. VULNERABLE:
A. Female - Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
B. Male - Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION:
A. Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
B. Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT:
A. Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male - Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT:
A. Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male - Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE:
A. Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE:
A. Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL:
A. Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male - A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Marriage Joke: Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.