Everything's Big

There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.

That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.

After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.

"Yes ma'am" said the cowboy, " I mean everything."

After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked, "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"

Be Strong Honey

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, the guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.... .do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey I love you!

" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Bar-room Football

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.

So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point.

All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his dick up Larry's ass.

Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The man answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!!!"

ATM Card

One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."

One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Hair in Spaghetti

This guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti. He is served and after all of it is nearly gone he finds a hair in it. He calls the waiter over and says, "Do you see this damn hair? I ain't paying for this dirty ass meal!" and walks out.

The waiter watches him, and the guy goes into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about ten minutes and bursts through the door and the guy has his face buried in pussy.

The waiter says, "You eat pussy and complain about one lousy little hair you found in the spaghetti?" The man replies, "Yes, and if I find any spaghetti in her pussy, I sure as hell ain't paying for it either!"

Pussycats

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Strip Club Enthusiasm

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!" After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!" Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."

Is Sex Work or Play?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

79 Ways to make Passionate Love

A man from Bangladesh named Futh was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

A gent form Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."

"Just one?", Futh asked. "And which way is that?"

"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--"

"Praise Allah!!", exclaims Futh, "Number 80!"

Nudist Colony

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."

The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...

New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."

New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Random Joke: Cowboy and His Horse

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

Sex Joke: Slippers

A man was at his wealthy friends house when his friend asked him to go upstairs and get his slippers. The man agreed, and proceeded upstairs where he saw his friends two gorgeous 18 and 19 year old daughters having a pillow fight. The man told the two girls that their father had sent him upstairs to have sex with them. The girls replied that their father would never say such a thing. The man assured them that it was true, and to prove it he yelled down to their father "Both of Them?"

Sex Joke: Sex Branding

Sex is...

like NOKIA (connecting people)
like NIKE (just do it)
like PEPSI (ask for more)
like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited)
and like ME (too good to be true)...

Family Joke: Limousine Parking

There was a little girl in the shower with her mummy. The little girl asked, "Whats that mummy"? The mum replied, "thats a garage never let a limousine park in there.

There was a little boy in the shower with his daddy. The boy asked, "Whats that daddy"? He replied, "Thats a limo you can park them in a garage.

The next day the little boy and girl were hanging out and the parents ran to the bathroom for hearing a scream and there was blood in the tub and the girl said, "Mummy he tried to park his limo in my garage so i ripped off his wheels."

Sex Joke: The Bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,....

"Darling. Look at THIS!!!" "She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

Marriage Joke: Doggie Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" . "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Sex Joke: Top 10 Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don’t finish a chapter, you won’t gain a reputation as a "book teaser".

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.

and the number one reason is ...

1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

Sex Joke: Bed Talk

Boy: "Is this your first time?"
Girl: (angrily) "Yes! You guys are really weird, always asking me the same
question!

Sex Joke: Super Slam

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything. Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batcar. Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away. Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

Sex Joke: In the Prison

Four convicts were eating in the chow hall one day.

One says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "Pfffffffffffffff"

A second guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "Pffffffffffffff"

A third guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "Pffffffffffffff"

The fourth guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "BRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!

The other three guys look astonished. "Wow!! A virgin!!"