Funny Signs in Places

Advertised on the side of a city bus:
"Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."

Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia was:
"Arts Degrees - please take one."

In downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said:
"Closed for the Holidays".

At a Pub in Australia:
Sexual harassment will not be prosecuted. However, it will be graded.

Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate:
"If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!"

Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta:
"We Have Japanese Body Parts!"

In a pub toilet in Llanelli, west Wales:
"Yesterday, the bottom fell out of my world, so I drank 8 pints of Felinfoel Ale and this morning, the world fell out of my bottom."

On an older compact car was the bumper sticker:
"This car is constipated, it can't pass anything"

Random Joke: Ferrari Formula One Team

The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young hoodlums. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how some young street punks could take off a cars tires within 6 seconds, without the proper equipment.
Ferrari soon realised their flaw.

The young men did not only change the tires in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the MacClaren team!

Random Joke: Cowboy and His Horse

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

Random Joke: Rules of the Road

- The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.
- The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.
- The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.
- The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.
- If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.
- The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.
- Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.

Animal Joke: Never Talk to the Parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Random Joke: On The Roof

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?".

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

"What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

Random Joke: The Hard-hearing Genie

Bob and Peter were playing golf, and Peter pulls out a big cigar and asks Bob if he has a lighter. Bob takes out a 25 cm long Bic lighter, Peter says

"WOW where did you get that huge lighter from?" Bob answers "I got it from my genie, it is in my golfbag" Peter asks if he can see the genie, and Bob opens his golfbag and out flies the genie,

"Hi genie" Bob says "I am a REALLY good friend of your owner, will you grant me a wish too?" - the genie says "Sure what do you want?"

"I wish A MILLION BUCKS", the sky darkens over them, where a million DUCKS are flying, Bob looks angry.

Peter says: "Hey sorry I forgot to tell you my genie has a small problem with hearing because of his age, but you did not seriously think I had asked it for a 25 cm BIC did you ? ?"

Random Joke: Recognizing George

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain’t George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain’t George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

Random Joke: On Your Head

Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

Random Joke: Big Trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent

- Gets you cheap airfare then asks, "You know how to fly a 737, right?"

- The itinerary shows you crossing the Pacific Ocean on Amtrak.

- Reserves you a great package for seven days and two nights.

- Books you on something called "Dulta Airlines."

- Looks at you funny after hearing there’s a "South"
America.

- "Rental car" turns out to be a donkey with cupholders.

- No matter what your destination, you have a layover in Afghanistan.

Definitions

ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.

BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.

BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child.

CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife’s watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.

DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey.

ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them.

PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience

PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.

STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.

DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.

HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women.

INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex.

MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy.

NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does.

TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.

INTERVIEW: That which can be seen between the interviewee’s legs.

EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.

HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.

IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.

INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".

Random Joke: Bar Room Chat Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

"I’ll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I’m easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I’m gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don’t feel well, let’s go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don’t feel well, let’s go home." [male] (I’m horny.)

"Who’s got the next round?" (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I’m really gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I’m really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don’t have my ID on me." [female] (I’m 16.)

"I don’t have my ID on me." [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

Some Lesser Known World Records

From Ripley’s Believe it or Not

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ’substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a ’staggering turd’ over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

Drunk Driver

A man was driving down the road, and was pulled over by a police office.
The office said, "you're drunk."
The driver said, "thank god for that, I thought the steering had gone."

Lost in Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin’ good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn’t go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside since most people can’t read.

News Bloppers

"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" - Headline in a local paper.

"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." - A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" - A headline in a New Zealand paper

"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving." - From a local news cast.

"If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal." - Sports Announcing, BBC1

"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" - Headline in a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." - From a New Zealand paper.

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." - Channel 4 news

"Man Died of Natural Causes" - Headline, Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000

"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." - From a New Zealand paper.

"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" - Headline, Independent, November 19, 2000

"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." - From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

Who's Incharge?

BODY MEETING :
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.

Coli Bacteria

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.