Pinoy Joke: Comfort Room

Last week, I left Manila with a couple of friends heading toward Punta Fuego, in Batangas, when I decided to stop at a comfort station in a relatively new Gas station in Tagaytay.

Being a new gas station, this place would have a clean bano and clean facility to take a good crap : ) The first stall was occupied (my theory was correct) so I went into the second one.

Just when I was seated and poised to emit a very "silent" fart, I heard a voice from the next toilet:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Putek!!! I thought in my mind. I am certainly not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort rooms or any comfort room for that matter.

Normally, I would keep as dead silent as possible in a situation like this so no one would think I was there. What was I to do? run? keep quiet? so many questions in my mind.

I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"OK LANG, pare!"

And the stranger said: "Whats up with you?"

Talk about your unnervingly dumb questions! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?

(In my mind) I was really beginning to think this was just TOO WEIRD! So I said:

"WELL, JUST LIKE YOU I'M MAKING 'TAE'"

Then, I heard the person, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next toilet answering all the questions I am asking you."

The Underwear

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Nice Questions, Stupid Answers

>===========
>TEACHER: Why are you late?
>BARBIE: Because of the sign.
>TEACHER: What sign?
>BARBIE: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Joy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
>JOY: You told me to do it without using tables!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Stephen, how do you spell "crocodile"?
>STEPHEN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
>TEACHER: No, that's wrong
>STEPHEN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
>GERMAN: "HIJKLMNO"!!
>TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>GERMAN: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Sonjay, go to the map and find North America.
>SONJAY: Here it is!
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>CLASS: Sonjay!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: William, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
>have ten years ago.
>BYRON: Me!
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Benjamin, why do you always get so dirty?
>BENJAMIN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
>===========

>===========
>CELIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
>FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
>CELIA: Your name on this report card.
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
>BOBS: Don't bite any.
>===========

>===========
>TEACHER: Nova, give me a sentence starting with "I".
>NOVA: I is...
>TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
>NOVA: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
>Tintin: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday at the
>same time."
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and
>one is blue with red spots!
>Larry: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
>home.
>===========

>===========
>At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
>5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta got
>'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, " 'cause Mommy's still got hers.
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
>what virtue would I be showing?
>Roldan : Brotherly love.
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: Now, Ivan, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
>Ivan: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
>===========

>===========
>Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
>no longer interested?
>Daisy: A teacher.
>===========

Driver's License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you were born in 1970, so you are 32.

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 160 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an "F" in sex."

My Dog Called Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I
call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went
to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked
like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was
nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to
have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was
over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone
would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married
at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from
then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When
we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me
and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps
me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said
that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said,
"I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex
left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A
cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when
I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What
seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all
my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being
so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

Priest Joke: Key to Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, the older nun which normally assisted in this task was a little under the weathers so she instructed Sister Magdalene, a young nun on how to prepare the bath water and towels. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever she's told to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asks the sister how the bath had gone. "Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved!"

"Saved? How did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him. And while I was washing him, he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to heaven."

"Did he now--" the old nun said.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And, Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would open to me, and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said that the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun, "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it these past forty years!"

Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! THAT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech! Support