Animal Joke: The Snake and The Rabbit

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Lawyer Joke: Murder Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn’t!"

Not Easy

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.

Dumbest Things Ever Said in Court

The following questions were actually posed by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records.

Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Defendant: That’s me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Lawyer: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?

Things Actually Said in Court:

Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.

Marriage Joke: Bad News, Good News

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Objection Overruled

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

Lawyer and Gigolo

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Lawyer's Fee

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.

After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

No Lawyer In Heaven

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Sleeping Jury

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

"I can’t do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can’t use language like that."

"Would it help to just write it down?"

The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.

The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

"But your honor," the juror protested, "It’s a private matter."

Lawyer Joke: Free Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God’s work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Punishment

A recently deceased man who led a truly wicked life finds he will not be spending eternity where he might have hoped. And he's met at the gates of hell by the devil himself, who walks our poor subject down a long passageway toward his ultimate destiny. On the way, they pass a room where someone is being pelted by stones.
"Who is that?" the man asks, shuddering. "That was a swindler," says the devil.
Then they pass a room where someone is being dipped repeatedly in burning oil.
"And who is that?" the man asks fearfully. "That was a murderer," says the devil.
In the next room, there's a man making love to the most beautiful woman our subject has ever seen.
"And who is that man?" he asks. "That man is a lawyer," says the devil.
At last they arrive at a room filled with fire and lined with hot coals, and the devil says, "This is where you shall spend eternity." "Now, wait a minute!" the man protests. "I understand the punishment of the swindler, and of the murderer, and I know that I myself have not been a good person, but tell me something, Why does that lawyer get to make love to that woman for all eternity?"
And at that the devil rises up fully on his haunches. In a booming voice he says, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Speeding at Golden Gate Bridge

Nelson, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding.

Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand & motioned him to the side of the bridge. Nelson pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Nelson thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

"67 mph, son! - 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Nelson, "Why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Nelson's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Nelson, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!

Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Nelson answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Nelson's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Nelson.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Nelson explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Nelson nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Boy Charged with Rape

An eight-year-old boy was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.

As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down the client's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny sex organ for all to see.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"

Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman-"

"WATCH IT," yelled the kid. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

Way To Go Granny

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has
a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair."

The Underwear

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."