A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"

Priest Joke: Confession of a Sinner

There once was a young woman who went to confession.

Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

She said, "Last night my neighbor´s husband made passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

She asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that damn smile off of your face!

Priest Joke: Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
- "Father, what causes arthritis?"

- "Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

- "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

- "I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

Lawyer Joke: Free Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God’s work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Religion Joke: A Preacher's Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The head elder then stood and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Priest Joke: Key to Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, the older nun which normally assisted in this task was a little under the weathers so she instructed Sister Magdalene, a young nun on how to prepare the bath water and towels. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever she's told to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asks the sister how the bath had gone. "Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved!"

"Saved? How did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him. And while I was washing him, he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to heaven."

"Did he now--" the old nun said.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And, Father John said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would open to me, and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his key to heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said that the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun, "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it these past forty years!"