A Week away from Wedding Day

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Ere Mabel as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert.

Mabel's answer as expected was "No Bert it's only 6 days to go however you can have a look at your prize".

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel . Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow I'll let you have a little feel of your prize".

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize".

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air "Cor Mabel. Do you think it will keep till Saturday"!!

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too."

They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Peaches

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." After seeing this he thought to himself, "I gotta see this!" After driving for a mile he saw the stand and pulled off to investigate.

"Hi, I saw your sign and want to know how you can have peaches all flavors?"

"Well, sir, pick a flavor."

"OK, strawberry."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like strawberries.

"OK, blueberry."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like blueberries.

"OK, peanut butter and jelly."

The man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into the peach and it tasted like peanut butter.

"Hey, I taste the peanut butter but where's the jelly?"

"Turn it around." replied the man.

The customer turned the peach around and bit into it and tasted jelly."

"OK, here's a hard one: pussy."

With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer the customer bit into it and responded, "This tastes like shit!"

"Turn it around." replied the man.

The Pharmacist

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!” The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.” The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,”Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.” A minute later the boy is still praying; “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” The boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

Little Johnny Joke: God, Are You Really There?

Little Johnny was laying about on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.

Soon, he began to think about God.

"God? Are you really there?" Little Johnny said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Little Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"

Knowing that Little Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Little Johnny could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

"A million dollars to me, Johnny , is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Little Johnny , getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny ! Just a minute."

Speeding at Golden Gate Bridge

Nelson, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding.

Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand & motioned him to the side of the bridge. Nelson pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Nelson thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

"67 mph, son! - 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Nelson, "Why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Nelson's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Nelson, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!

Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Nelson answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Nelson's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Nelson.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Nelson explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Nelson nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Appointment with the Gyne

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said:

"My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.

She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Medical Joke: Darla's Doctors Visit

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"