Politics Joke: Bush and Son

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn’t matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!"

Animal Question and Answer

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

Sex Joke: Like A Black Man

One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it."

After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"

"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"

Trivia Joke: Ten Things Men Know About Women

Ten Things Men know about Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs

Nationality Joke: Thank God for Those Italians

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Rules of the Road

The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.

The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.

The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.

The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.

Toll booth operators must possess at least two of the following qualities:
-Less than ten digits
-Lack of teeth
-A rare skin disorder
-The ability to mispronounce the simplest of words
-The inability to give directions in under ten minutes

If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.

The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.

Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.

Courting Clintons

Political experts say Hillary Clinton is showing her femininity to court older, married women.

To even things out, Bill Clinton is spending his time courting younger, single women.

- Jim Barach

Jay Leno Joke: Screeners Study

A new study found that screeners at L.A. International Airport missed 75 percent of the bombs that were sent through the line as tests.

However, they did confiscate 100 percent of people's water bottles which forced them to buy new ones for five dollars at the airport gift shop.

- Jay Leno

Meeting Breaks

News Bloppers

"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" - Headline in a local paper.

"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." - A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" - A headline in a New Zealand paper

"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving." - From a local news cast.

"If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal." - Sports Announcing, BBC1

"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" - Headline in a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." - From a New Zealand paper.

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." - Channel 4 news

"Man Died of Natural Causes" - Headline, Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000

"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." - From a New Zealand paper.

"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" - Headline, Independent, November 19, 2000

"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." - From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

Overpaying Habit

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

French Fries With What?

I had a craving for french fries one day, so I pulled up to the drive-thru of McDonalds.

Me: "I'd like a large french fries please."
Clerk: "Would you like fries with that?"
I got sort of confused at this one and told him no. He told me to pull ahead, so I did, and then he asked me why I was sitting there.

Clerk: "I thought you didn't want fries."
Me: "No, I ordered a large french fries."
Clerk: "Ok. Do you want fries with that?"
Since saying no the last time had gotten me nothing, I figured I'd better say yes this time.

He gave me two large fries.

Eye to Eye

Q: Why many men have difficulty looking a women directly in the eyes?
A: A woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

Child Joke: Problem Child

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly".

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes", the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

Objection Overruled

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

Pinoy Joke: Why Don’t You Just Spit

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don’t hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well, why don’t you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

Funny Animation #2

(click picture to play animation)

Marriage Joke: Marriage #1

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or
not."

Lawyer and Gigolo

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Testicles Hair

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles."

Profession Joke: Wait Ladies

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

- "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
- "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!"

Erap Joke: Erap endorses Milo

Erap was asked to endorse MILO (as the olympic drink). He agreed on one condition: That no script shall be given to him for he has thought of a way of endorsing the said product. Everybody agreed on the idea so finally they finalized the contract and all that stuff.

On the day of the shooting of the ad, ERAP finally delivered his most awaited impromptu ad. Then he said: "I made a very simple ad that speaks well of the product. All I will have to do is give meaning to the four-letter word of M-I-L-O!"

Then he started giving the meaning of each letter which goes like this:

M - Masarap na masarap ito.

I - Inumin ng nakararami.

L - Lasap na lasap ang lasa.

O - OVALTINE, THE OLYMPIC DRINK !!!!!!

Dictionary Of Dating

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Funny Animation #1

(click picture to play animation)

Who's Incharge?

BODY MEETING :
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.

Lawyer's Fee

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.

After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Female Seminars

(Conducted by Males)

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It’s YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It’s Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It’s As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "’Me Too’ Equals I Love You"

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

Clown Convention

The 12th International Clown Convention is being held in Mexico.

Apparently, the Mexican clown's most popular routine is stuffing 30 clowns into the trunk of a car and heading north to Los Angeles.

- Conan O'Brien

Job Application

This is an actual job application submitted to WalMart:

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

No Lawyer In Heaven

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Automatic Lights On

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

15 Ways To Get Banned From A Store

Erap Joke: Erap Makes a Wish

Erap shows a map of the Philippines to a genie and wishes that all the islands be connected by fly-overs.

Genie: I'm not that good. Make another wish!
Erap: Okay. Make me intelligent!
Genie: Can i see the map again?

Truth To A Politician

Q. What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
A. Three different answers.

Amusing Stories: Pleasure

A woman collapsed, fell and hit her head in a crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales, when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure.

The kinky 33-year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun.

But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knikcers still buzzing.

They took them off her before an ambulance took her to the hospital. The woman, who’s identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill effects. As she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag.

A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain commented to the Sun: "We like to think shopping with us was pleasure enough already."

Fisherman

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Sex Joke: Useful Sex Statistics

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor’s degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don’t.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:

A 1/4 Aussie, 1/4 Latino, 1/4 Black, 1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom, shouldn’t be too hard to get.

Happy hunting.

Jay Leno Joke: Botox Billion

According to The Wall Street Journal, Botox hit a billion dollars in sales last year. A billion dollars!

Of course, the Botox people are thrilled. You couldn't tell by looking at their faces, but they were.

- Jay Leno

Military Joke: Military Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

Psychic Support

This is an actual tech support incident.

I work for technical helpline. When our lines are busy, customers can leave messages in our voicemail. The system asks for the customer to leave contact info, machine details, and description of the problem. Here’s one message I got:

"There’s something wrong with my computer. I really can’t tell you what the problem is or what the machine does, but there definitely is something wrong with it. Could you please call me back soon?"

I hope the customer got the psychic message I sent him about how to fix the problem. I sure didn’t get his psychic message about the problem and his phone number.

Pinoy Joke: Filipino Vocabulary

1.Use TENACIOUS in a sentence.
I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of TENACIOUS.

2.Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence.
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT and then DETAIL.

3.Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.
I hear dripping in the sink. I think DEPOSIT is leaking.

4.Use PERSUADING in a sentence.
Jack and Jill will be celebrating their PERSUADING anniversary.

5.Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.

6.Use IRAQ, IRAN, and EGYPT in a sentence.
IRAQ is bigger than a stone. IRAN faster than my friend. EGYPT is smaller than a truck.

7.Use PAUL four times in a sentence.
PAUL, be carePAUL, you might PAUL in the PAUL.

8.Use CUISINE in a sentence.
I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a CUISINE math.

9.Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
Ring, ring.....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?

10.Use TOENAIL in a sentence
To get to Kaneohe, you must go through Wilson Toenail.

11.Use PENIS in a sentence.
Before my boy go outside and play, I tell him to PENIS his homework.

12.Use EMPIRE in a sentence.
Ready! EMPIRE!!!

13.Use DEFICIT in a sentence.
When I go to the pool, I check out how DEFICIT.

14.Use HOSTESS in a sentence.
Hello? Hello? HOSTESS?!!

P.S. If you don't understand this, you are not a true Filipino. (^_^)

Sex Joke: Hold the Gun

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don’t shoot, please! I’ll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don’t shoot; I have a wife and kids! I’ll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, Alright, now suck my cock!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don’t shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.

The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends might walk in!"

Dying Husband

Dying husband. Love I have something to tell you
Wife: Pls don’t speak, just rest
Husaband: No, before I die I must confess, I had sex with your sis and your bestfriend
Wife: Sssshhh.. I know that is why I poisoned you!

Hilton Charity

In a recent interview Paris Hilton said that life is about more than parties, and she wants to do a lot more charity work.

So now once a week Paris goes to a shelter and sleeps with a homeless guy.

New Mouse Model From Axe

Holy Golfing

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf one day.

Jesus stepped up to the tee, swung, but caught a real bad slice and the ball caught hard left straight into the pond.

"No problem!" he said, and then made the ball rise so he could walk out on the pond, and chip it right onto the green.

"Not bad, young fella!" Said Moses. But he suffered the same fate dropping the ball into the pond.

Stepping to the edge, he parted the water, stepped in and chipped it onto the green.

Finally the old man steps up. not quite certain on how the game was played, tees off.

The ball also caught hard to the left, and straight to the pond.

Before the ball hit, a fish dove out and ate it, but before entering the water again, a bird swoops down and eats the fish.

Flying over the green, the bird coughs up the fish, when the fish hit the green, the ball popped out, onto the green and rolled right into the cup!

"Hooray! A hole in one!" Cried the old man.

Then Jesus steps up and says, "Dad! stop messing around, and play golf!"

Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?"

"No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time.

"No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again"

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

Sex Joke: Sex Issues

Old Morris went to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asked, "How is your sex life?"

"Well," replied Morris "Lately I have a lot of issues with sex."

"What kind of issues?" the therapist asked.

"Oh, mostly Playboy , and Penthouse."

Priest Joke: Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
- "Father, what causes arthritis?"

- "Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

- "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

- "I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

Erap Joke: Underwear

DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?

Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

Free Space

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

Erap Joke: Joan of Arc

Erap went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"

Erap: Of course. She's Noah's wife.

The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Sleeping Jury

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

"I can’t do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can’t use language like that."

"Would it help to just write it down?"

The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.

The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

"But your honor," the juror protested, "It’s a private matter."

Erap Joke: Wives

During a press conference on morality...

Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry? Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

Good Luck, Mr Gorsky

This is a true story...

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Military Joke: What Is It?

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.

The policeman says
- "Okay, I’ll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I’ll forget about the ticket!"
- "Agreed!" answers the speeder.

- "You’re driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"
- "That’s easy! It’s a car!"
- "Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.
- "Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

- "Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"
- "Fair enough."
- "You’re driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"
- "That’s easy! It’s a motorcycle!"
- "Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"
- "How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.
- "Sorry, you’re getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

- "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."
- "Go ahead"
- "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
- "Oh, that’s easy!" replies the officer. "It’s a hooker!"
- "Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

He got the ticket!

Coli Bacteria

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

The Frog and the Princess

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Funny Movie Facts

Things you would never know without the movies:

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cat Technical Support Problems

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

Little Johnny Joke: For The Sick

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

Kodak Moment

Lottery

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

Letter From A Computer Widow

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn´t mind being vacuumed, but that feather dusting made you sneeze.

The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I´m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn´t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She´ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

Erap Joke: Potato

Erap was out dining in a restaurant when they overheard some people at another table order some potatoes and some mashed potatoes. One of Erap's dinner guests asked Erap, "What's the difference between a potatoe and a mashed potato?"

Erap pointed to the skin on his wrist, " Ito, puti 'to." He then pointed to his white shirt and said, " Ito, mas puti 'to."

Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, ’’I have something to tell you about your child...’’
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, ’’What’s wrong with it?’’

The doctor says, ’’There’s nothing really wrong with it, it’s just a little different! It’s a hermaphrodite.’’

The woman looks confused. ’’A hermaphrodite, what’s that?’’

The doctor replies, ’’It has both features of a male and a female.’’

The woman looks relieved. ’’What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?’’

Two Violinists

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe - I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?
Max - Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news...The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!
Abe - So what's the bad news?
Max - Well, you're booked to play the solo!

The Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Lawyer Joke: Free Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God’s work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

When NOT to Propose

Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers’ names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend’s?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma’s House of Painful Delights?

Erap Joke: Logic Lang Iyan

One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.

Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng - lalaki ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kita mo na na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!

The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. . .

Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos.
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Maceda : Wala.
Erap : BAKLA! BAKLA! BAKLA!

Bottle of Champagne

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt.

The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt.

Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?"

"Well," the woman replies, "I´ve just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I´m sharing it with!"

Undoing a Woman’s Bra

Real Life study:
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra. While unfastening a woman’s stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries. Actually, I can vouch for that.

I got injured today while trying to undo a woman’s bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

Not A Blonde

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. "See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!"

Saving Time

A western businessman was conducting his Japanese guest around the busy city. Because of traffic congestion they used bus and underground railway. The businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the system, and by clever use of the map and timetable, he got them to their various destinations much quicker than the average tourist could have done. He was particularly proud of one trick: "There, we saved twenty minutes by changing trains and taking the other line".

The Japanese smiled broadly. When they got to their station, the businessman hustled the other up the stairs, and out into the fresh air.
Nearby was a secluded little grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat down, and looked benevolently on the world passing by.

"Hey, what are you doing just sitting there?" gasped the western businessman.
"Oh, I'm just using up the 20 minutes we saved on the train".

Sperm Tonsil

Computer Heaven vs Computer Hell

In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Florida or the Moon

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

Judas

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

"Who is it?"
"It’s Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It’s Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It’s Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It’s John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It’s Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It’s Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU SCUMSUCKERS! EVERYONE ASSUME THE POSITION AGAINST THE WALL!"

Nymphomaniac

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac".

"I see", he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad", she replied. "How much for all night?"