Final Examination

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Had Too Much Christmas Cheer?

1. You know you have if you... notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad. 8. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you. 9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 11. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place. 12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 17. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Bigfoot

Why did the runner quit the race against bigfoot?He couldn't face defeet!!

You're So Dumb...

You're so dumb, you stare at an orange juice can just because it says concentrate.

You're So Dumb...

You're so dumb, you stare at an orange juice can just because it says concentrate.

Chinese And Spielberg

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he seesSteven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese peoplebombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese"."Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same," replied Spielberg.In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you're all the same."

A Son's Love

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.Shortly, he received this reply,"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

Whats The Diffrence

whats the differance between a camera and a sock???A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes...

.....olympics

Why isn't Mexico in the olympics?...Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..

Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds!

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between College And Hell

10. It doesn't snow in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell
.8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot men in Hell.
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to college.

How To Be Annoying (a Guide)

- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Set alarms for random times.
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- Dont use any punctuation either.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog." Ask people what gender they are.
- Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When...

1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
9. You don't sweat -- you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

Accountants And Engineers On A Train

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

10 Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Death Becomes Nerd

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

A Nerd, A Nude, And A Bike

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Irish ... Light Bulb Joke

How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb?30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.

Jump Out Of The Plane!

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

What's On Your Back?

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch."What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Mohammed And Douglas Adams

Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.

Bad Santa

A little girl asked santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother.

Jews & Christmas

December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day!-Jon Stewart

The Miracle Of Christmas

I think the real miracle of Christmasis how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!-Reno Goodale

The Office Christmas Party

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day!-Phyllis Diller

Christmas At The Post Office

Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas!-Johnny Carson

Homemade Bargain Gift

Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown

Poor Turkey!

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..."

Love, Santa

Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa

Did You Hear About...

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?