Family Definitions

Grandfather - a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

Grandmother - a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.

Father - someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots.

Mother - the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

Child - a lump bred up in darkness.

Aunt - the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother.

Uncle - a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him.

Son - the result of getting what you thought you wanted.

Daughter - a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.

Cousin - the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

Mother-in-law - a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments.

Father-in-law - the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass.

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