Pussycats

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

She Thinks, He Thinks

Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch".

She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.

Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch.

Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

Circus Trainer

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male called Futh and a female called Chums. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that Chums was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

Futh's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and Futh said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. Then Chums threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at Futh and said, "That's quite an act...Think you can do better than that?"

Futhman spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the way!"

Fat Man at the Health Club

A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!"

The fat man said, "Yeah."

The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your dick?"

The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"

The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?"

To My Dearest Wife

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

1) We will wake the kids - 54 times
2) It's too late - 15 times
3) I'm too tired - 42 times
4) It's too early - 12 times
5) It's too hot - 18 times
6) Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
7) The neighbors will hear - 9 times
8) Headache or backache - 26 times
9) Sunburn - 10 times
10) Your mother will hear us - 9 times
11) Not in the mood - 21 times
12) Watching the late show - 17 times
13) Too sore - 26 times
14) New hairdo - 6 times
15) Wrong time of the month - 14 times
16) You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby