Two Nuns: Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

Tenjewberrymuds

You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G: "You're very welcome."

Fork Please

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"

An Arab in the USA

Achmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said
"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said
- "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said
- "You were homesick."

Ten Blonde Science Fair Projects

1) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
2) Is lighter fluid flammable?
3) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
4) Are knives sharp?
5) Can sharks hurt a human?
6) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
7) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
8) Can I eat broken glass and live?
9) Can dogs talk?
10) Are blondes really dumb?

Nudist Colony

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."

The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...

New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."

New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Have you Ever Wonder Why?

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

A Moral Story

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Woman's Life Cycle

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

Things we know because of TV

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade...at any time of the year.

- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a pretty nurse cleans his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, never look at your money. Just pull out a bill or two and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.

- All single women have a cat.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.

- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

- Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.

- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- Revolvers will fire at least ten or fifteen times without reloading.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps and join in with you.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

...and what they actually mean.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Erap Jokes: Motto

For the Army : "No pain, no gain."
For the Air Force : "No guts, no glory."
For the Marines : "No fight, no surrender."
For the Abu Sayaf's : "No ransom, no release."
For Erap : "No read, no write."