Some Lesser Known World Records

From Ripley’s Believe it or Not

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ’substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a ’staggering turd’ over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

Work Joke: Office Survey

A survey says the number one annoyance at work is office gossip.

Second is loud noise in the office.

Third is people wasting time by taking meaningless office surveys.

- Jim Barach

Marriage Joke: Saving for the Marriage

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.
- "My son, you shouldn’t be doing that,"
said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said,
- "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in.
- "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

- "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then."

- "And what was that, my son?"

- "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving that stuff for when I get married," said the young man.

- "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest.

- "Did you take my advice?"

- "Yes I did, Father, but there’s only one problem."

- "What’s that, my son?"

- "Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

Marriage Joke: Divorce Court

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’

Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’

’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.

Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’

Dumbest Things Ever Said in Court

The following questions were actually posed by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records.

Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Defendant: That’s me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Lawyer: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?

Marriage Joke: Domestic Divide

My husband and I have always exchanged chores around the house, including doing the dishes, which I hate to do, and mowing the lawn, which he hates to do. This worked to our mutual satisfaction until he began to be bothered by people in passing cars staring at him as he relaxed while I mowed.

He solved the problem by presenting me with a T-shirt to wear while I was cutting the grass. On the front, big letters said: "IT'S ALL RIGHT." The back of the T-shirt proclaimed: "HE DOES THE DISHES."

via Reader's Digest

Drunk Driver

A man was driving down the road, and was pulled over by a police office.
The office said, "you're drunk."
The driver said, "thank god for that, I thought the steering had gone."

Funny Animation #5

Why Men Can’t Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

Erap Joke: Cory, FVR and Erap

Si Erap, si Cory at si FVR at nahuli ng mga NPA. Sila ay dinala sa taguan ng mga ito, at i-eexecute sila sa pamamagitan ng firing squad.

Inuna ng mga NPA si Cory. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si Cory, Bagyo!!! Nagtakbuhan yung firing squad dahil natakot sila. Nakatakas si Cory.

Pag labas ng mga ito, si FVR yung isinunod. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si FVR, Earthquake!!! Nagtakbuhan ulit yung firing squad dahil natakot sila. Nakatakas si FVR.

Pag labas ng mga ito, si Erap na. Iniisip ni Erap kung pano sya tatakas, dahil nagamit na nung dalawang ex-presidente ang bagyo at earthquake. Sumigaw yung leader, Ready! Sumigaw ulit, Aim! Biglang sumigaw si Erap, Fire!!!

Mental Interview

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me", said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous", said the head of the institution.

"Or else", ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely", said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution".

"An interesting possibility", said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle".

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss "BayWatch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!

Female and Male Vocabulary

1. A THINGEY:
A. Female - Any part under a car’s hood.
B. Male - The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

2. VULNERABLE:
A. Female - Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
B. Male - Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION:
A. Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
B. Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT:
A. Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male - Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT:
A. Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male - Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE:
A. Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE:
A. Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL:
A. Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male - A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Things Actually Said in Court:

Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.

Q’s & A’s

Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?

Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He establishes "darkness" as the standard and makes everybody go along.

Q: Why doesn’t Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?
A: They give him gas.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut HER off!

Q: Why is the space between a woman’s tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.

Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones get thrown back, the average ones are eaten nicely, and the large ones are considered souvenir material.

Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.

Little Johnny Joke: Good Marks or Else

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Funny Animation #4

Erap Joke: Miriam versus Erap

The most intelligent "presidential", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidential to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to
Miriam. Now, it's his turn.

He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.

Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

Lost in Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin’ good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn’t go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside since most people can’t read.

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38’s!"