Pinoy Joke: Funny Jokes?

Contributed by: Myrill Sioson

Mom: baby, your good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a
question.

Baby: sure mom

Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4
apples, what's your answer?

Baby: thank you po!!!
--------------------------------------------
BF: may malaki ako problema.

GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil
nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?

BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama
--------------------------------------------
"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it
because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or
what else. Without which there never to you!" - words of
wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.
--------------------------------------------
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!

Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng
Ms. Universe

Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?

Pare2: pare ako nanalo!
--------------------------------------------
Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako

Father: ano kasalanan mo?

Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao

Father: bakit?

Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po
naniniwala ba?

Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
--------------------------------------------
Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot

Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob

Patient: (ininom ang gamot)

Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?

Patient: oo doc! putsa pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag
ang bungo!
--------------------------------------------
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...

WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...

Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?

Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25
years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria
--------------------------------------------
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap

Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!

Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!

Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!

Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
--------------------------------------------
1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang
aso

Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?

Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!

Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!
--------------------------------------------
In a pet shop...

Customer talking to a parrot...

Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!

Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!
--------------------------------------------
Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng
langit

Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa
rainbow mag slide-slide!!!
--------------------------------------------
Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A

Pare: approachable?

Bobo: mali

Pare: amiable?

Bobo: mali pa rin

Pare: o sige siret na!

Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!
--------------------------------------------
Girl: doc, pacheck-up po

Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka

Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po

Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim
--------------------------------------------
Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka
na...ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?

Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty
diba?!

Email Mistakes

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

Top 25 Explanations by Programmers...

Contributed by: Emmanuel Caseñas. (The S_x Guru himself)

...When their programs don't work.

1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

Programming Is Like Sex

Syndicated from: code snipper
Contributed by: Emmanuel Caseñas. (The S_x Guru himself)


Because...

- One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
- Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted.
- It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.
- Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.
- You can do it for money or for fun.
- If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.
- It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.
- There's not enough taught about it in public school.
- It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.
- Some people are just naturally good.
- But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them.
- There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.
- One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.
- It's a great way to spend a lunch break.
- Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.
- Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.
- Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.
- You'll miss it if it's been a while.
- There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.
- It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it.
- Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.
- Other people just get in the way.

Pinoy Joke: Tagalog Dictionary #2

Abuloy --- bayad sa nahigop na kape at nanguyang biskwit sa nilamayang sakla.
Akala ---- alam na alam daw.
Aginaldo - inaasahan na makukuha sa araw ng Pasko na mas okay sana kung pera na lang.
Ama ------ pamilyadong gustong maging binata
Bakasyon - sandaliang pahinga sa trabahong hingal lang ang pahinga.
Bakit ---- tanong na laging mahirap masagot.
Bakya ---- tsinelas na may takong.
Baga ----- lutuan ng mga hindi makabili ng microwave.
Bagoong -- masarap na ulam ng mga walang maiulam.
Baldado -- hindi mamamatay-matay na mukhang hindi na mabubuhay.
Bale ----- suweldong inutang.
Binata ------ lalaking gustong maging ama
Biyenan ------ anay ng tahanan
Kaaway --- ikli ng 'kaibigan na Inayawan.'
Kababata - dating gelpren na may ibang boypren.
Kabag ---- dighay at utot na naghalo sa tiyan.
Kabayo --- hayop na sinasakyan Ng kalesa.
Kabit ------ asawang nakatira sa iba
Kalbo ---- gupit ng buhok na korteng itlog.
Dalaga --------- babaeng gustong maging ina.
Dalaginding - dalagang hindi pa nagsusuot ng bra.
Dighay ------- Utot na lumabas sa bunganga.
Dilim ---- liwanag na maitim.
E -------- ireng paseksi.
Gahasa --- romansang walang ligawan.
Ginang --- asawa ni ginoo na mukha nang tsimay.
Ginoo ---- asawa ni ginang na may inaasawang iba.
Gipit ---- kalagayan ng tao na suki na ng sanglaan.
Ha ------- sagot ng nagbibingi-bingihan.
Halakhak - tawang bukang-buka ang ngala-ngala.
Handaan -- magdamagan na Palakihan ng tiyan.
Handog --- bigay na laging may kapalit.
Hipo ----- haplos na may malisya.
Hudas ---- tapat na manloloko.
Ibon ----- hayop na lumalangoy sa Hangin.
Imposible - pagtaas ng unano.
Ina -------- pamilyadang gustong maging dalaga.
Insulto --- walang hiyang biro.
Isda ------ hayop na hindi Nalulunod.
Itlog ------- pagkaing amoy utot
Ita ------- negrong Pinoy.
La -------- ikli ng 'lalalalala' sa kinakantang hindi maalala.
Lalawigan - syudad ng kahirapan.
Langaw ---- kulisap na bangung-bango sa amoy ng basura.
Ma -------- tawag sa gelpren na mukhang nanay na.
Malusog --- hitsura ng tumatabang balat.
Mama ------ tawag sa sosyal na ina.
Mano ------ kaugaliang Pinoy na nakapupudpod ng noo.... at bulsa.
Mantika --- katas ng piniritong taba.
Mayabang -------- abusadong tanga.
Maybahay -- dominanteng utusan sa bahay.
Nanay ---- Ilaw ng tahanan
Nakaw ----- hiram ng walang paalam
Naku ------ ikli ng 'nanay ko, nanay na ako.'
Nitso ----- bahay ng mga patay.
Nobya ----- gelpren na laking probinsya.
Ngalngal -- iyak ng walang ipen.
Ngisi ----- tawang tulo-laway.
Ngiti ----- tawang labas ipen.
Paa ------- bahagi ng katawan na amoy tuta.
Paaralan -- dito itinuturo kung ano, alin o sino ang mapipiling bobo.
Panata ---- dasal na nakatataba ng tuhod.
Regla ----- masungit na panahon ng pagkababae.
Sabon ----- mabangong bagay na ipinapahid sa mabahong katawan.
Sakristan - utusan ng pari.
Sampal ---- haplos na nakatitigas ng mukha.
Ta -------- ikli ng 'tita' o lalaking may bra.
Tamad ----- taong hindi napapagod sa pahinga.
Tatay ----- haligi ng tahanan
Utot-------- Dighay na lumabas sa puwit
Ulol -------- sobrang matalino
Wala ------- salitang tagalog na minana ng mga ingles.
Yaya -------- alaga ng ama ng inaalagaang bata.

Pinoy Joke: Tagalog Dictionary #1

>>>Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
>>>Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
>>>Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
>>>Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
>>>Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
>>>Devastation - sakayan ng bus
>>>Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
>>>Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
>>>Tissue - Ikaw nga!
>>>Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
>>>Dedicated - Pinatay ang pusa
>>>Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
>>>Deduct - Ang pato
>>>Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
>>>Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
>>>Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
>>>City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
>>>Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
>>>Persuading - Unang Kasal
>>>Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
>>>Defense - Ginamit na mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
>>>It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
>>>Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
>>>Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit,eh DELUSION)
>>>Delivery - Walang bayad. (di libre)
>>>Profit - Patunayan mo
>>>Backlog - bacon saka egg
>>>Beehive - magpakatino ka
>>>CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
>>>Debug - ang ipis
>>>Defrag - ang palaka
>>>Defense - ang bakod
>>>Defer - ang balahibo
>>>Deflate - ang plato
>>>Detest - ang eksamin
>>>Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
>>>Devote - ang boto
>>>Dilemma - brownout
>>>Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
>>>Forums - apat na kwarto
>>>July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
>>>Thesis - ito ay...

Ten Reasons Why Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Are Computers Female?

->They look nice and are user friendly, until ya have them a few years
->They have a lot of data, but not in any logical sequence
->Picky, picky, picky
->The sequence of strokes is often quite vital
->They hear what you say, but not what you mean
->Beauty is only shell deep
->Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed
->Always turn simple statements into big productions
->Small-talk is important
->Some models take forever to warm-up
->You do the same thing for years, then suddenly it's wrong
->They make you take the garbage out
->They are quite susceptible to all kinds of internal infections
->Miss a period and they go wild
->As soon as you get one, you see a better one
->No one but the creator understands the internal logic
->Older models have power surges that knock them out
->They are quite capable of "locking you out"
->Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference
->The language they use to communicate with all other computers is quite incomprehensible
->Error messages are as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm not going to tell you"
->When you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
->They never tire of using the telephone
->There's no such thing as a "crash-proof" computer
->All too often they require it to be done "their way" or not at all

Pinoy Joke: Signs - The Pinoy Way

on a street in San Juan:
"BAWAL MAGTAPON NG BINALOT NA TAE RITO"

on Jeepney and Bus signs:
"BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"

on a delivery truck:
"NOT FOR HERE"

on window of a restaurant in Baguio:
"WANTED: BOY WAITRESS but not LADY BOY"

A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
"PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."

At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
HAWAK MO ANG KINABOKHASAN NG BAYAN"

at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
"BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"

somewhere along a wall in Kanto Tinio, San Andres:
"NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"

vacant lot near makati ave.:
"DON'T PARKING"

at an eatery in Cebu:
"WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!

Sa Pader sa Intramuros:
"MARUNONG K BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMI-IHI DITO"

on a self-service restaurant in Cebu:
"PLEASE HELP OUR COMFORT ROOM CLEAN"

in Cubao:
"NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"

on a building somewhere in the Philippines.....
"NOTARY PUBLIC, TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO"!

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Nationality Joke: Titanic and Pearl Harbor

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks.
At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director,
Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.
After a couple of beers, the Chinese sensed that
Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the
Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious
hook from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell is that for?"

Spielberg ranted: That's for the bombing of Pearl
Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"

I am not Japanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I
am Chinese" exclaimed the Chinese.

The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese,
Burmese,Chinese, Vietnamese, you are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Chinese dusted off his
white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise
printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the
bartender. After a few sips, the Chinese stood
up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick,
sending the director flying halfway across the room.

"What was that for?!!' shouted the surprised Spielberg
from about fifteen feet away.

"That's for sinking the TITANIC! I had my
grandfather on that ship!", the Chinese answered back.

"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an
iceberg!" exclaimed the director.

"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg... you
are all the same."

Way To Go Granny

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has
a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair."

Little Johnny Joke: I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.