New Mouse Model From Axe

Holy Golfing

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf one day.

Jesus stepped up to the tee, swung, but caught a real bad slice and the ball caught hard left straight into the pond.

"No problem!" he said, and then made the ball rise so he could walk out on the pond, and chip it right onto the green.

"Not bad, young fella!" Said Moses. But he suffered the same fate dropping the ball into the pond.

Stepping to the edge, he parted the water, stepped in and chipped it onto the green.

Finally the old man steps up. not quite certain on how the game was played, tees off.

The ball also caught hard to the left, and straight to the pond.

Before the ball hit, a fish dove out and ate it, but before entering the water again, a bird swoops down and eats the fish.

Flying over the green, the bird coughs up the fish, when the fish hit the green, the ball popped out, onto the green and rolled right into the cup!

"Hooray! A hole in one!" Cried the old man.

Then Jesus steps up and says, "Dad! stop messing around, and play golf!"

Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?"

"No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time.

"No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again"

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

Sex Joke: Sex Issues

Old Morris went to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asked, "How is your sex life?"

"Well," replied Morris "Lately I have a lot of issues with sex."

"What kind of issues?" the therapist asked.

"Oh, mostly Playboy , and Penthouse."

Priest Joke: Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
- "Father, what causes arthritis?"

- "Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

- "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

- "I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

Erap Joke: Underwear

DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?

Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

Free Space

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

Erap Joke: Joan of Arc

Erap went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"

Erap: Of course. She's Noah's wife.

The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Sleeping Jury

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

"I can’t do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can’t use language like that."

"Would it help to just write it down?"

The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.

The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

"But your honor," the juror protested, "It’s a private matter."

Erap Joke: Wives

During a press conference on morality...

Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry? Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

Good Luck, Mr Gorsky

This is a true story...

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Military Joke: What Is It?

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.

The policeman says
- "Okay, I’ll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I’ll forget about the ticket!"
- "Agreed!" answers the speeder.

- "You’re driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"
- "That’s easy! It’s a car!"
- "Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.
- "Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

- "Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"
- "Fair enough."
- "You’re driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"
- "That’s easy! It’s a motorcycle!"
- "Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"
- "How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.
- "Sorry, you’re getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

- "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."
- "Go ahead"
- "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
- "Oh, that’s easy!" replies the officer. "It’s a hooker!"
- "Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

He got the ticket!

Coli Bacteria

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

The Frog and the Princess

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Funny Movie Facts

Things you would never know without the movies:

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cat Technical Support Problems

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

Little Johnny Joke: For The Sick

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

Kodak Moment

Lottery

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

Letter From A Computer Widow

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn´t mind being vacuumed, but that feather dusting made you sneeze.

The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I´m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn´t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She´ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

Erap Joke: Potato

Erap was out dining in a restaurant when they overheard some people at another table order some potatoes and some mashed potatoes. One of Erap's dinner guests asked Erap, "What's the difference between a potatoe and a mashed potato?"

Erap pointed to the skin on his wrist, " Ito, puti 'to." He then pointed to his white shirt and said, " Ito, mas puti 'to."

Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, ’’I have something to tell you about your child...’’
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, ’’What’s wrong with it?’’

The doctor says, ’’There’s nothing really wrong with it, it’s just a little different! It’s a hermaphrodite.’’

The woman looks confused. ’’A hermaphrodite, what’s that?’’

The doctor replies, ’’It has both features of a male and a female.’’

The woman looks relieved. ’’What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?’’

Two Violinists

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe - I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?
Max - Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news...The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!
Abe - So what's the bad news?
Max - Well, you're booked to play the solo!

The Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Lawyer Joke: Free Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God’s work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

When NOT to Propose

Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers’ names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend’s?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma’s House of Painful Delights?

Erap Joke: Logic Lang Iyan

One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic.

Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng - lalaki ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kita mo na na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!

The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. . .

Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos.
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Maceda : Wala.
Erap : BAKLA! BAKLA! BAKLA!

Bottle of Champagne

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt.

The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt.

Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?"

"Well," the woman replies, "I´ve just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I´m sharing it with!"

Undoing a Woman’s Bra

Real Life study:
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra. While unfastening a woman’s stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries. Actually, I can vouch for that.

I got injured today while trying to undo a woman’s bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

Not A Blonde

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. "See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!"

Saving Time

A western businessman was conducting his Japanese guest around the busy city. Because of traffic congestion they used bus and underground railway. The businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the system, and by clever use of the map and timetable, he got them to their various destinations much quicker than the average tourist could have done. He was particularly proud of one trick: "There, we saved twenty minutes by changing trains and taking the other line".

The Japanese smiled broadly. When they got to their station, the businessman hustled the other up the stairs, and out into the fresh air.
Nearby was a secluded little grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat down, and looked benevolently on the world passing by.

"Hey, what are you doing just sitting there?" gasped the western businessman.
"Oh, I'm just using up the 20 minutes we saved on the train".

Sperm Tonsil

Computer Heaven vs Computer Hell

In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Florida or the Moon

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

Judas

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

"Who is it?"
"It’s Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It’s Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It’s Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It’s John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It’s Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It’s Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU SCUMSUCKERS! EVERYONE ASSUME THE POSITION AGAINST THE WALL!"

Nymphomaniac

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac".

"I see", he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad", she replied. "How much for all night?"

The Perfect Wife

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn´t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife:
- "Honey, I´ll be right back."

- "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

- "I´m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I´m going to have a beer."

The wife said:
- "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn´t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
- "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn´t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying:
- "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
- "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d´oeuvres that are really delicious... I won´t be long. I´ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

- "You want hors d´oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d´oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

- "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there´s swearing, dirty words and all that..."

- "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR #$%@ING HORS D´OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN´T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" .

The Hitman

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, "Sure."

So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he’s a hitman. The friends all laugh.

The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So one of the friends dicides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replies, "Sure."

So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! And he’s naked too!"

This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger."

The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He’s looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?

The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I’m a about to save you a thousand bucks!"

Young Girlfriend

It has been reported that O.J. Simpson's girlfriend is younger than his daughter.

When O.J. first met the woman, he said, "I can't date you. I'm old enough to murder your father."

When Superheroes Retire

Erap Joke: Medical Exam

Erap is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well. His pants, socks and watch follow suit. The nurse, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

Erap: "Miss, I am only following the instructions," he says, "it says here, "Answer the following questions in brief'."

Little Johnny Joke: The Value of a Catholic Education and a Pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, Little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber, so once again, Little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good!" and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Little Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped.

She shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

Coca-blood

Count Dracula's favorite softdrink.

Yoga or Whisky

Why bother to learn yoga when whisky can have the same effect.

Who is Jack Schitt

The lineage revealed:

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Soon you will be able to handle this situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner in law firm, Knee, Deep & Schitt.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt. Against his parent's strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr. Scherlock and, because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name,hence, she became known as Noe Schitt-Scherlock. Dip Schitt moved south and married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son and named him Chick Noe (after his grandmother) Schitt. He became known as Chick N. Schitt for short.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa. Their only son, Tough Schitt, became a professional wrestler and later moved to Minnesota to pursue a career in politics.

Now when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Break Up Letter And A Lost Dog

Funny and Useless Inventions

Punishment

A recently deceased man who led a truly wicked life finds he will not be spending eternity where he might have hoped. And he's met at the gates of hell by the devil himself, who walks our poor subject down a long passageway toward his ultimate destiny. On the way, they pass a room where someone is being pelted by stones.
"Who is that?" the man asks, shuddering. "That was a swindler," says the devil.
Then they pass a room where someone is being dipped repeatedly in burning oil.
"And who is that?" the man asks fearfully. "That was a murderer," says the devil.
In the next room, there's a man making love to the most beautiful woman our subject has ever seen.
"And who is that man?" he asks. "That man is a lawyer," says the devil.
At last they arrive at a room filled with fire and lined with hot coals, and the devil says, "This is where you shall spend eternity." "Now, wait a minute!" the man protests. "I understand the punishment of the swindler, and of the murderer, and I know that I myself have not been a good person, but tell me something, Why does that lawyer get to make love to that woman for all eternity?"
And at that the devil rises up fully on his haunches. In a booming voice he says, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

12 Reasons why Swearing is better than Sex

1. It’s just as much fun by yourself.
2. If you split up with your partner, they won’t spread malicious rumors about the size of your vocabulary.
3. It can be done in public.
4. The cops can’t trace you if you verbally abuse someone – usually.
5. A little one can be just as good as a big one.
6. No one gets jealous if you do it to a lot of people at the same time.
7. You won’t be ridiculed if you do it to someone of the same sex.
8. You can meet a stranger and have them doing it to you three seconds later.
9. It’s much more acceptable at family reunions, Hopefully.
10. If it comes and goes quickly it’s not a bad thing.
11. If you lose it in your old age, you won’t be disappointed.
12. No one spreads rumors about how easy you are to swear at.

Death of a Virgin

Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Her doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said. "Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.

Jennie complained that those were her sister's dying request. The gravestone maker assured her that he would do his best. After a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the stone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sisters wishes as best he could.

Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister's name just as she asked, and underneath was printed.

'RETURNED - UNOPENED'

Hello Kitty Armband To Punish Thai Police

Will this pink Hello Kitty armband could really make Thai policemen hinders from misbehaving in their work? Pongpat Chayaphan, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok, thinks so.

Around the world, Hello Kitty is an icon for femininity. But in Thailand, they're using it for as a punishment for misbehaved policemen. The original design was a white one but was redesign after policemen enjoyed wearing and even took home as souvenirs.

Read the full story here.

Erap Joke: Miriam vs Erap

The most intelligent "presidential", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidential to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to
Miriam. Now, it's his turn.

He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.

Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

The World In My Shoulders

Funny Picture: Sale, Fifty Percent Off

Mr. Bean's Greatest Performances

Mr. Bean's greatest performances of his movie carrer life.

What Happen Osama?

What happen Osama? Hit by a pussy bomb?

Math Genius

I bet the owners of this test papers are the greatest math geniuses of all time.

Reasons Why Men Should Not Baby Sit

Proof That Girls Are Evil

They say Mathematics is the language of Science. And scientific mathematical calculations are universally correct .I therefore conclude that this is the best proof that girls are evil.

Funny Hallmark Cards

They say, "When you care enough to send the very best!". This are messages from funny Hallmark cards.

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me .

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

Military Joke: Rabbit Test

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Six Inches from the Ground

A small balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.

The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!"

The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighborhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady cann't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his
WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't belive that you are
just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'

"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place
he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no,
I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there
by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this
point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out,
'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"

"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.'
Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the
closet and throw it across
the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear
him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide
under there either."

"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh
boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to
distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a
long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all
of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window
right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all
over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE."

"No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy
starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at
my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so UPSET."

"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss
you off?"

"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down,
and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

Three Nationals Go Hunting

An American, Italian, and a Polock go hunting.

American goes out, when he comes back he got a nice buck. "How'd you do that?" the other two asked. "He said "I followed the tracks and got this buck"

Italian goes out comes back with an identical buck and when confronted by the Polock he has the same answer as the American.

The Polock goes out, it gets late the other two start worrying, and he finally comes back all battered and bloody all broken bones.

The two ask, "What the hell happened?" He answers "I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."

The Blind Man and the Waiter

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

Viagra Extra Strength

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's jewels are black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls never showed up."